Joke

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Re: Joke

Postby yabadoo » Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:13 pm

perrito wrote:In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p*nis is under your pillow



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
This is the event. Do it or lose out.
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Re: Joke

Postby sudoku » Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:40 pm

Grandpa dies

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"
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Re: Joke

Postby sudoku » Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:44 pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St.

Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
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Re: Joke

Postby Highlander » Fri May 16, 2008 7:56 pm

Three men were sitting in a sauna ... when there was a loud bleeping sound. The American pressed his arm, and the bleeping sound stopped. "Gee guys, that was my pager; I have a micro chip in my arm" he said.

Then a phone rang. The Japanese put his palm to his ear. "That was my mobile", he explained, " I have a chip in hand".

The Irishman - not to be outdone - went to the loo. He came back with loo paper hanging from his rear end. The others stared at him. "Beejaysus, will you look at that" he cried, "I'm gettin' a fax!"
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Re: Joke

Postby sudoku » Sun May 18, 2008 8:17 pm

:lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby sudoku » Sun May 18, 2008 9:09 pm

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, give me the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.

'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.

He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'
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Re: Joke

Postby Unix1 » Tue May 20, 2008 11:15 pm

In The Beginning



In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said,
'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo
they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure
that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese
dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities
of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running
shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and
cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging
suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan
said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size
'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac
arrest.

God sighed ........ and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health
Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.


Here endeth the Lesson.
Gerry is alleged to have exchanged up to 14 messages on his mobile phone during dinner with the so-called Tapas Nine on May 3.
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Re: Joke

Postby the_last_name_left » Tue May 20, 2008 11:21 pm

Why do men take longer to reach orgasm than women?

Who cares?
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Re: Joke

Postby humanist » Sat May 24, 2008 9:28 am

Little Frankie is standing at the toilet having a pee.
Something happens and the lid crashes down, whacking his p*nis on the way.
He howls.
His mom comes in to find out what has happened.
"naughty toilet seat" she says to the inanimate object giving it a little smack.
Still Frankie howls.
She tries to distract him by hoisting things out the cupboard, but he continues to scream.
Eventually in desperation she asks him "what can I do to make it better".
"Kiss it better" little Frankie responds.
Mom says "don't you start with your fathers xxxx".
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Re: Joke

Postby rammy » Thu May 29, 2008 3:53 pm

Just had a village mag pushed through the door with a page of jokes, these Tommy Cooperisms made me titter;

I met a bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it, I thought "That's Aboriginal

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
"Tenpin" she asked, "no permanent" I said

At the Garden Centre, I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

"Can I buy a Goldfish please?"
"Do you want an aquarium?"
"I don't care what star sign it is".

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today, I can't remember his name P something T something R.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the man who answered just went on and on .......

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and said "Audi".

I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits, "how flexible are you?" they asked, "Well I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays" I said.
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Re: Joke

Postby rammy » Thu May 29, 2008 4:23 pm

English,Irish,Scottish, sitting in the park.
Englishman says, "my boys called George, he was born on St. Georges Day."
Scottishman says, "my boys called Andrew, he was born on St. Andrews Day."
"I can't beleive that" said the Irish man, "just wait till I tell our Pancake" :D
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