Joke

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Re: Joke

Postby blimthepixie » Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:35 pm

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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Re: Joke

Postby plustron100 » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:49 pm

A little Humour to brighten your day..

Pat and Mick walking down a street in London and Pat happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said

'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair'.

Pat says to his pal, 'Mick, will you look at that! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Pat, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.

In they go and Paddy, in his best English accent, says 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and ......'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'

'Well...yes,' says a surprised Pat. 'How de hell d' y' know dat?'

The owner says, 'Because this is a dry cleaners.'
:lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby plustron100 » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:51 pm

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your! left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
:lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby plustron100 » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:52 pm

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
At the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
Logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
Worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
As fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.




SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys! :lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby plustron100 » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:54 pm

> IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
>
> An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
> on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
>
> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude'.
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
> yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
> squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
> clothes and quickly departed.
>
> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
> asked, 'What did she roll?'
>
> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY -
>
> Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are
> men. :lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby plustron100 » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:55 pm

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
> Cook A venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and
> Since it Was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
>
> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
> Problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
> Priest.
>
> The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
>
> After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
> Priest
> Sprinkled Holy Water over him, he said,' You were born a Baptist, and
> Raised
> A Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'
>
> Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, And
> the
> Wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
>
> The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed Into
> Bubba's yard, clutching a Rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped
> And Watched in amazement.
>
>
> There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of Holy Water which he
> Carefully
> Sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you
> Wuz
> Raised a deer, but now you a catfish.' :lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby katt13 » Fri Apr 18, 2008 10:23 am

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby R_Murats Glasses » Fri Apr 18, 2008 6:40 pm

Bought myself a share in a racehorse today. we have called it My Face.
It isn't the fastest horse, but i do not care if it doesn't win or earn me money.

I just want to hear all the posh birds at the racecourse shout ""COME ON MY FACE""
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Re: Joke

Postby sudoku » Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:13 pm

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward, SAVING him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

:wink:
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Re: Joke

Postby keepdigging » Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:44 pm

Man to woman: 'How would you like your eggs in the morning?'

Reply: 'Preferably unfertilised.'
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Re: Joke

Postby sudoku » Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:51 pm

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''

And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

:wink:
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Re: Joke

Postby vanilla_chick » Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:16 pm

caterinavallenti wrote:Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and

after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke

Postby perrito » Fri Apr 25, 2008 10:38 am

The Whorehouse Doors!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He
found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that
read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night"
and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
living life in the fast lane until the motor wears out
...............


Justice is a temporary thing that must at last come to an end; but the conscience is eternal and will never die.
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Re: Joke

Postby whatatangledweb » Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:53 am

plustron100 wrote:There were two nuns..

:lol:


:D :D :D :D :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRsJlAJvOSM
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRvgK6M2_ ... re=related
we will gain truth and justice for a little girl who has no voice
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Re: Joke

Postby perrito » Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:28 pm

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p*nis is under your pillow
living life in the fast lane until the motor wears out
...............


Justice is a temporary thing that must at last come to an end; but the conscience is eternal and will never die.
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