Joke

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Joke

Postby caterinavallenti » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:43 pm

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and

after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
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Postby shesaidwhat » Tue Nov 27, 2007 5:50 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Tigger » Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:00 am

Man goes to pet shop to find his ideal pet! Sees a millipede and immediately feels a bond! Takes it home in a box

7pm.................Man sitting watching television, millipede in box on table!
Man says, " Oi Milli, fancy coming down the pub for a pint?"
NO ANSWER

10mins later........." Oi Milli, you coming?"
NO ANSWER

30minutes later............(angry voice) " OI MILLI, ARE YOU C O M I N G?"
(frustrated high voice back)......................I am coming, I am trying to hurry but I am putting......my shoes on!!
Without prejudice. All posts are opinion based unless backed by a link or quote.


When everything depends on just one tiny lie, we forget that in order to correct one lie, seven others have to be told.
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Postby caterinavallenti » Wed Nov 28, 2007 7:03 pm

:D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:
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Postby Marmalade Cat » Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:39 pm

Salesman knocks at a door and a ten year old boy answers. He's wearing ladies camiknickers, a feather boa, carrying a bottle of champagne and smoking a cigarette in an ivory holder.

The salesman looks at him and says "Is your mother in, son?"

The boy replies : "What do you think?"

:wink:
You can't fool me - I'm too stupid
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Postby SofaCleese » Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:11 am

:D :D :D :D :D

Next, for footie fans and existentialists (you have to read this out like a sports' results commentator.....)


Real Madrid - 1 Surreal Madrid - Fish
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Postby SofaCleese » Thu Nov 29, 2007 5:14 pm

jazzy wrote:what do Belfast City Hall and a pair of boxer shorts have in common?

Don't know?

No, neither do I. My dad told me that joke when I was 13 but wouldn't tell me the answer. Well now I'm 42, he's dead and I still don't know the b****y answer - infuriating.

So if any of you know I'd be very grateful!


They're full of bolleaux..... :D
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Postby bjr » Thu Nov 29, 2007 6:58 pm

Why do men show signs of intelligence during sex?


:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:


Because they are plugged into a genius.
To my critics
When I'm in a sober mood, I worry, work and think,
When I'm in a drunken mood, I gamble, play and drink,
But when my moods are over and my time has come to pass,
I hope I'm buried upside down, so the world may kiss my ar*e
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Postby caterinavallenti » Thu Nov 29, 2007 8:02 pm

Tags : None

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3 Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5 Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
7 Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8 Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Postby notdeadfred » Thu Nov 29, 2007 8:57 pm

What's white and streaks through the sky?????????
















The coming of the Lord :lol: :lol:
It was our holiday too
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Postby bonnybraes1 » Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:14 pm

That is so tasteless, notdeadfred! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby bella » Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:21 pm

bonnybraes1 wrote:That is so tasteless, notdeadfred! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
agree but :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby SofaCleese » Fri Nov 30, 2007 12:25 am

What's brown and sticky?

































A stick.
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Postby vanm » Fri Nov 30, 2007 12:36 am

Song. All together:

Old MacDonald was dyslexic IOIOE.

I know...unPC :oops:
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Postby Marmalade Cat » Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:22 pm

Q : What did the zero 0 say to the number 8


A : That's a lovely belt you have there.
You can't fool me - I'm too stupid
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