Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

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Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:33 pm

Friday 26th October 2007
Gimp & Child

Gez was in a wonderful mood this morning. He even got a bit frisky which is very unusual for him nowadays. He's been more preoccupied with maximising our pension fund and giving Esther pearl necklaces galore. You'd think she'd have enough jewellery already? At least this morning he was all mine for the taking.

It all started when the postman came.....twice! He often knocks me up at the crack! There was such a lot of post today, Poor Mr Longshaft, our postie, worked up quite a sweat as he struggled to push his big package through my tight box. He eventually had to pound on my knocker before I opened up and let him into my front entrance. Once inside he immediately emptied his big sack all over my furry mat.

He offered me a cigarette which I accepted but didn't smoke. He said he'd also got a big load which urgently required Clarry's attention. I told him he'd have to go round the back for that and we both chuckled, He lit another ciggie, waved goodbye and wandered off round the side of the house towards the servants quarters. I hope he's got something nice for Clarry, he's been a bit down in the dumps lately.

Gez was still in bed after his late night ludo tournament with lads from the Masonic lodge. I took his post up to him. There was only one envelope for Gez, his bank statement which he read while humming the tune "Who wants to be a millionaire". I had no idea he was a fan of Cole Porter!

My parcel was a large long oblong cardboard tube with an Exeter postmark, I had initially thought it was a some, well lets call them.....items which I'd ordered from the "Anne Summers" Ladies Secrets catalogue. No such luck, imagine my disappointment to find only a crappy picture from my friend Jane. She's being doing this therapeutic art class since being off work with a chronic dose of mange. From the looks of this shoddy little effort she's been quite busy with her crayolas.

To tell you the truth, I'm a bit worried about her, she's madder that a sack of rabid weasels. I know its nearly Halloween but the picture she sent me was demented! Some scrawny looking gimp with no face carrying a headless child. I ask you!!!!! I've sent her a thank you card and a prescription for "Benzodiazepine" by return of post. That will sort her out and I should know, they mix lovely with a nice dry sherry.

Anyway, I've just phoned Mr Branson and asked him to call round. I'm hoping to persuade him to loan me the cash for my boob job. I'm sick of the being known as the 'double fried eggs on toast lady' at my gym. THOSE BITCHES!

I want to give Gez an extra special Christmas treat. A ludicrously large breasted woman......ME!

Sunday 28th October 2007
Family Time

Alcohol units = 0.5 ( v. v. good)
Ebay Item (69696970-1) Current bidding = 0.01p (v.v. bad)

Sunday is a peaceful day, a time to reflect, a time when we consider ourselves instead of others and a time, if I get 20 minutes spare, to squeeze in a little "family time" too.

After returning from church Gez and I had a good session on the living room carpet. Spread eagled and panting softly I helped Gez release some pent up tension from his lower shakra. Unfortunately our Yoga session was somewhat disturbed by the sound of heavy banging coming from the direction of the kitchen. It was Clarry bashing his meat. We tried to carry on regardless but there was yet more banging, this time on the front door. I carefully unravelled myself from a rather tight 'coital preying mantis' and went to answer the door.

It was some 'estate' kids wearing fancy dress! Yes, it's that time of year again, end of October without fail. Kids and adults (who should know better) walk the streets with painted faces, outrageous costumes and begging bowls. Every year these parasites are scrounging at my door. That b***dy 'BBC Children In Need Charity Appeal' and their sodding 'do gooder' fundraising volunteers. What a b****y cheek!

I didn't want to look mean so I shook out twenty two pence from the kiddies' piggy bank. Gez would be furious if he knew I'd given them anything at all. He says "charity begins at home" and thinks these funds are all an excuse for, as he says "a bunch of so called wannabe celebs and their greedy public relations gurus to dine out on free holidays with unlimited expenses in the name of a charitable cause". Well Gez would know all about that. He is always right about everything. Always!

Clarry did us a nice beefy roast for lunch; he really goes to trouble and had bashed his meaty loin until very soft and tender. Mummy joined us and I secretly told her about my plans to have a boob job. She said "Not before time!" adding that she couldn't afford to lend me any money. All she ever thinks about is her damn self. Good job I don't take after her.

After lunch I had a phone call from Jane in Exeter. She wanted to know if I liked the drawing she'd sent me. "Its wonderful" I lied and told her that Gez hung it in his office (another lie!) I've actually posted it on Ebay. No bids as yet!

I got busy with my hair, nails, leg wax and self tan. I was so pre-occupied making 'the fabulous me' I hadn't noticed it was gone 6.30pm and Clarry had already put the kids to bed. There goes 'family time' this week, will have to factor it in next week instead. It is important after all!

No word from my Portuguese priest. What have I done wrong?
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:34 pm

Sunday 28th October 2007
Family Time

Alcohol units = 0.5 ( v. v. good)
Ebay Item (69696970-1) Current bidding = 0.01p (v.v. bad)

Sunday is a peaceful day, a time to reflect, a time when we consider ourselves instead of others and a time, if I get 20 minutes spare, to squeeze in a little "family time" too.

After returning from church Gez and I had a good session on the living room carpet. Spread eagled and panting softly I helped Gez release some pent up tension from his lower shakra. Unfortunately our Yoga session was somewhat disturbed by the sound of heavy banging coming from the direction of the kitchen. It was Clarry bashing his meat. We tried to carry on regardless but there was yet more banging, this time on the front door. I carefully unravelled myself from a rather tight 'coital preying mantis' and went to answer the door.

It was some 'estate' kids wearing fancy dress! Yes, it's that time of year again, end of October without fail. Kids and adults (who should know better) walk the streets with painted faces, outrageous costumes and begging bowls. Every year these parasites are scrounging at my door. That b***dy 'BBC Children In Need Charity Appeal' and their sodding 'do gooder' fundraising volunteers. What a b****y cheek!

I didn't want to look mean so I shook out twenty two pence from the kiddies' piggy bank. Gez would be furious if he knew I'd given them anything at all. He says "charity begins at home" and thinks these funds are all an excuse for, as he says "a bunch of so called wannabe celebs and their greedy public relations gurus to dine out on free holidays with unlimited expenses in the name of a charitable cause". Well Gez would know all about that. He is always right about everything. Always!

Clarry did us a nice beefy roast for lunch; he really goes to trouble and had bashed his meaty loin until very soft and tender. Mummy joined us and I secretly told her about my plans to have a boob job. She said "Not before time!" adding that she couldn't afford to lend me any money. All she ever thinks about is her damn self. Good job I don't take after her.

After lunch I had a phone call from Jane in Exeter. She wanted to know if I liked the drawing she'd sent me. "Its wonderful" I lied and told her that Gez hung it in his office (another lie!) I've actually posted it on Ebay. No bids as yet!

I got busy with my hair, nails, leg wax and self tan. I was so pre-occupied making 'the fabulous me' I hadn't noticed it was gone 6.30pm and Clarry had already put the kids to bed. There goes 'family time' this week, will have to factor it in next week instead. It is important after all!

No word from my Portuguese priest. What have I done wrong?
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:35 pm

Tuesday 30th October 2007
Making Ends Meet

Alcohol units = 16 (manageable)
Calories = 630 (too many!!!!)
Ebay item 69696970-1 = £41.89 from 17 bids (astonishing!)

I read, with some concern, in today's paper about mortgage repossessions being at an all time high. I'm not too good at maths and leave all that finance malarkey to Gez. Since neither of us have worked in such a long, long time I did ask the hubster how on earth we were managing to pay our whopping mortgage and all nine 'Norton Finance' consolidation loans.

Gez was ever so good and explained how Esther, in addition to being his trusted pension fund advisor also did a nice sideline in mortgage fiddles. Between them they had cooked up some sneaky little re-financing initiative whereby other unsuspecting people are now paying our massive mortgage arrears. How clever they are! Esther, she really is worth her weight in pearls. I wonder if she can swing a few thousand my way, after all, six kilo weight of cosmetic silicon isn't cheap.

Anyhoo, I was just finishing off the morning paper when Mr Longshaft, our postie, surprised me by slipping a brown thin one in my box. The shock brought tears to my eyes. It certainly wasn't something I was expecting! Not a horrid rejection letter from Leicestershire Social Services with reference to my recent application for employment. Those lousy incredulous hurtful swine's!

The letter explained the department had neither heard of, nor recognised, the 'Britney Spears-Oops I did it again-Online Academy'. What do they mean it's not an accredited academic institution; I paid $12 for forty five minute course. It went on to say they would not be pursuing my application for employment. I showed the letter to Gez, who was furious and wasted no time in getting on the telephone to pull a few of those handy 'Masonic' strings.

About an hour later I received a call from a rather nervous sounding 'Head of Personnel', Ms Fanney Shandy. She was audibly shaken and apologised profusely for what she called an 'administrative oversight'. She went on to congratulate me at being awarded the job and informed me of the pay. Get this, a measly £42.50 per hour, The cheek of the woman! "A Pittance!" I retorted, telling her she could stick her flicking job back up her hole. £42.50 an hour! b****y slave labour if you ask me.

Ahh well, sod em!

Tomorrow we are going down the road to rich old Mr Branson's bachelor mansionette for his annual 'Halloween Spook and Swing Frite-Nite' The party is for "Singles and Swingles" alike so we are bound to have some fun. Its fancy dress so I've been working on my costume. Out came that short black bobbed wig I wore last year when I dressed as Anne Widdecomble.

I've successfully combined the very same wig with massive sunglasses, a knitted jerkin, a pair of bloodied safari pants and some muddy court shoes to create what I think is a rather sexy and highly plausible 'Lindy Chamberlin'. Will work on my Aussie accent tomorrow, I wonder If Clarry has Merryl Streeps number handy?

Gez has kept his costumes a surprise. I can't wait.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:35 pm

Wednesday 31st October 2007
Halloween

Alcohol units = lost count
Ebay item (69696970-1) = Didn't check
Tricks = 2
Treats = 8

Tonight was the night of Dickie-B's Halloween "Spook and Swing" party. I have to laugh cos foolish me thought a swingers party involved dancing to the big band sounds of Dean Martin & Frankie Sinatra. Aren't I a daft clot, there was none of that going on I can tell you.

I must say, I was surprised earlier today when Gez told me he was going down Nora Boner's 'Dress Me Up B4 U Go Go' Costume Emporium for his outfit. He's usually such a mean stick when it comes Halloween.

Nora Boner's hire shop isn't known for its standards of hygiene. I very much doubt Nora washes any of the costumes between rents so Gez returned home with the mangiest dirty man-sized pink "cuddly cat" to wear. It stunk! (Strangely enough, of "Piz Buin" suntan lotion?). I wasted no time in getting the filthy thing into the 'Hotpoint' on a high temperature spin cycle. Unfortunately it went from stinky to shrinky and Gez will no doubt be losing his deposit when he returns it.

"What the 'flickin-ell' am I going to wear now?" Gez protested. Quickly I rummaged around finding a grey false beard, an old tweed jacket of my dads, my stethoscope and a few large hypodermic syringes. "There you go Gez!" I said proudly as I handed over the improvised costume "You can go as Dr Harold Shipman". He was delighted!

Clarry was dressed up too, as "Leather Man" from the Village People. I think these were his own togs actually! "What's scary about that?" I enquired at which point he turned to reveal his naked saggy spotty backside in a pair of black leather "chaps". I screamed!!! "Scariest thing I've ever seen". It was definitely on a par with the sight of Jane T wearing her itsy bitsy beach thong in Portugal!

By the time we arrived the party was in full swing. I swiftly made a beeline for Mr Branson's burly German butler, Hans Beaver-Lichen who was carrying a tray of "b****y Mary's". I'd heard rumours in the village about his tasty German Bratwurst so I wanted to ensure he'd save me a big portion. He said he he would pop a big one "in meiner mund". I guess that means "on my plate". As the evening went; it wasn't only the language barrier that got broken as I fully acquainted myself with Han's German tongue.

Much to my annoyance Gez spent most of the evening chatting with Esther, his fund manager. I must admit she looked fab in her leather cat-suit, I think she'd dressed as Emma Peel from the "Avengers". I asked her if she was supposed to be "Honor Blackman?" to which she looked at all the white faces in the room and replied "not tonight I'm not!". I smiled in confused bewilderment, but Gez and Esther were killing themselves laughing.

Clarry was loving himself as he sassed things up with a Shirley Bassey number on the karaoke machine. He must have been a bit drunk cos he kept getting the words wrong, singing "Hey Big Bender" when it should have been spender.

I dont know who invited that strumpet from the village, Mrs Heather Milly-Macca. Her divorce isn't even finalised yet and she was throwing herself all over rich Mr Branson. Her pirate costume was quite good though; Long John Silver! She hopped over shouting "Aahhhaaa Me hearty's". I asked her why she was carrying a spade, "that'll be for me treasure" she chuckled. I guess when there's gold to be a diggin! She's quite a nice girl really and her costume was one of the best I'd seen although I did think lobbing off her own leg for the sake of realism was a taking it a bit far.

Later on Mr Branson was kindly making everyone cocktails. He offered me and Gez one of his own inventions; he calls it a 'Flaming Arguido'. I don't know what he in puts in them but Gez and I had two each. I initially found mine a bit hard to swallow but Gez drank his down with his usual stiff upper lip. After the second "Arguido" we literally couldn't speak so Clarry was called over to speak on our behalf.

I was still feeling a little bit blotto when Esther and Gez disappeared upstairs. Hans Von Beaver-Lichen noticed I was looking a bit lost so came over to whisper something in my ear. I wasn't exactly certain what the cheeky "apple strudel' actually said over all the party noise but I guessed he wanted me to uncork a bottle of German white wine because I'm sure he whispered "Lets go for a hock in the kitchen!"

Esther and Gez were up in one of the bedrooms for ages. To be fair she did ask if she could steal Gez away for a short while as she urgently wanted to de-brief him. I was reassured by her perfectly innocent explanation that she needed to keep Gez abreast of some rather delicate but firm pressing matters.

It must have been a good meeting because they both looked pleased as punch on their return. I'm not sure what happened to Esther's Emma Peel costume but she returned looking more like a "Pearly Queen". I hope she doesn't lose her deposit like Gez.

Anyway, It was getting late and someone I know has to be at work in the morning, luckily not me!

So I leave tonight with Gez's last words before he fell asleep... "The parties over"
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:36 pm

Friday 2nd November 2007
Whiz Bangs

Alcohol units = 0 (Good girl!)
Calories = 1860 (Bad girl!)
Ebay Item 69696970-1 = £200.01 (Unbelievable, Auction ends Sunday!)

Gez has been in a foul mood since he and Esther got rumbled regarding their little mortgage scam. He's returned to work which hasn't gone down too well. The little blighter did suggest that I went out to earn a few bob myself, but I'm still much too fragile to do any sort of consultation work.

Besides, I had another type of consultation in the village, at Tiffany Fontaine's Hair and Beauty Salon. Well, she calls her self Tiffany Fontaine, but it's common knowledge that her real name is 'Tracy Belcher' and she lives on the 'Scuttlethorpe estate'.

Heather Milly-Macca was in there having a leg wax and when I say having "a" leg wax, I mean "A LEG". I hope Tiffany did it half price! It was just a quick root retouch and split end job for me; £6.50!..Scandalous!

I tottered into 'Horncock's' newsagents to check if I was featured in the latest edition of the 'Leicester Mercury'. There I was on page 7, Classified Ads

"Prof lady urgently seeking 24hr Nanny/Childminder. No qualification necc. GSOH req. Pay Negotiable. Call 07771 69...."

Mr Horncock was busy dusting his fags and mags. He asked if I wanted to renew the faded dog-eared postcard I'd put up in the lost and found section of his shop window. I said I wouldn't bother, we'd since stopped looking and have now given up all hope of ever finding Gez's lost wallet.

While I was there I had a browse at Mr Horncock's whiz bangs. I'd promised the kids a few fireworks for bonfire night but was disappointed with the ones displayed in his dusty glass cabinet. We got chatting and I told him how I used to have lots of fun with 'Roman Candles', back in my time at Catholic boarding school. Of course I've done a lot of growing up since those carefree days!

Noticing my disappointment at the selection of small unremarkable rockets Mr Horncock suggested if I was looking for a really good bang we'd have to go into the back store room. He went on to explain that was where he'd hidden his stash of highly illegal imports.

Locking the shop door I quickly followed him into the darkened room where he proudly took out a huge 'pulsing thruster'. Letting me gently touch and handle the whopper, he said I'd have to be very careful with the purple 'wick end' as he didn't want it to go off prematurely and spoil everybody's fun! "Besides", he winked "If it goes off in your hand it will create such an awful mess".

Visibly trembling, Mr Horncock said he didn't want anyone to find out what we were up to so I reassured him of my very, very 'tight lips'. He's a dirty so.d and said he'd heard talk of that in the village. Still conscious of our wrong doings and the fact of Mrs Horncock being due back from the 'cash and carry' I wasted no time helping the doddering shop keeper fill my box.

He said only yesterday he'd had a WPC round probing him about what was stocked in his rear. He warned me, "If the big boys in blue find out they'll be round to finger you too!" I'm not that worried about the fuzz, it won't be the first time I'd lie to the police and I doubt it will be the last. I once again reassured him saying I'd keep it "our little secret".

By the time we'd finished Mr Horncock was worn out so I left him in his store room smoking a ciggie. It wasn't until I got home and turned on the local TV news I saw the headline "Local Shop Keeper in Fireworks Tragedy".

Poor Mr Horncock.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby CaboFrio » Fri Feb 22, 2008 2:44 pm

"I dont know who invited that strumpet from the village, Mrs Heather Milly-Macca. Her divorce isn't even finalised yet and she was throwing herself all over rich Mr Branson. Her pirate costume was quite good though; Long John Silver! She hopped over shouting "Aahhhaaa Me hearty's". I asked her why she was carrying a spade, "that'll be for me treasure" she chuckled. I guess when there's gold to be a diggin! She's quite a nice girl really and her costume was one of the best I'd seen although I did think lobbing off her own leg for the sake of realism was a taking it a bit far."

- My favourite paragraph, ever!!!!!!!!! = FACT
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Re: Dooby's Diary Archive, a few older ones Including HALLOWEEN

Postby CaptnMorgan » Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:55 pm

Dooby, thanks for reposting these. These are some of my favorite ones EVAH!!!! :mrgreen:
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