The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby pakeha2007 » Thu Feb 21, 2008 9:14 am

Brilliant as always, Dooby.
Difficult to praise a single outstanding phrase or imagry,
so I'll vote for "A Night at the Oprah" episode
in general as the best/worst of this latest batch I've read.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:01 pm

Wednesday 20th February
A Vat of Whipped Cream

I'm not blaming myself for this mess, I never do! Being a stranger in a foreign country I'm guilty of one thing and one thing only, my own naivety. It's not the first time I've used this excuse either, so as far my conscience goes I'm home and dry.

Admittedly employing a card carrying sexual compulsive as my agent was a big mistake and I shouldn't have been surprised to find that most of Silky Va-lance's contacts were from the porn industry which did leave me thinking; what exactly was she booking Valerie Lansberg to do at all those Bar Mitzvahs?

Well I've sacked her, and good riddance. I'm on the lookout for a new agent and this time I'm not taking any risks. The only bugger is, without an agent, I've got no work, and without work I've got no money coming in.

Luckily Clarry and Aunt Phil have both managed gainful employment which might tide us over for a while. Clarry is now head fluffer at RamRod Production Studios and Aunt Phil has landed herself a role in one of their films.

She's playing a cop in "Freight Mates IV – Big Girls Don't Cry, they Get Even". Apparently DVD's in the 'Freight Mates' series are one of their biggest sellers in the chunky girl section of the porn market, so Philly should be making quite a lot of lolly from this one.

Initially, Aunty was a little reluctant but it was Heather Milly Macca in whose confession to being quite a seasoned porn actress from way back who talked her round. According to Heather there's quite a lot of money to be made on your back.

After Aunty Phil had finished reading a scene in the script which involved a her character jumping naked into a vat of whipped cream her wavering mind was totally made up. She signed up on the spot.

Unfortunately their first pay cheques are not due until Friday and with my stash of dollars running a little low I decided to call Gez to see if he will wire me some of the money I'd earned from the Oprah gig.

-0-

I've just spoken to Gez, the swine! He really can be quite nasty sometimes. When I asked him for the money he was furious and said there was no way he would be releasing any cash from his blessed pension fund (his pension fund?) for me to lash away on, as he called it, one of my overseas jollies.

Gez went on to inform me that he and Rachel are flying out to the Caribbean for the next two weeks to deposit some funds into an untraceable Escudo account in the Cayman Islands. They're also on the look out for lucrative banana plantations in suitable tax free havens where they can invest what is left of the dwindling fund. In pursuit of this quest he tells me is they'll be visiting The Bahamas, St Lucia, Dominica, Martinique, Barbados and.

"Jamaica?" I asked to which Gez just said Rachel was accompanying him of her own free will. I just bet she is! It hadn't escaped my notice the Virgin Islands weren't on their itinerary.

I am a bit jealous, especially as my afternoon will now be spent on a motel bed snipping out grocery savings coupons for the 'stop n shop'. I suppose Gez is right, I'm just being selfish. I know he's not going for a good time, he's thinking about our future financial security. It's what Rachel's thinking of that's worrying me.

Anyway, I'll give good old Mr Branson a call instead. See if he'll lend me some cash in the short term.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby dumouchelwolf » Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:57 pm

Can't wait to see what Branson will give Mrs Gezza :bounce: :bounce:
HOPE THE PAELLA WAS WORTH IT MR and MRS McCANN.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Feb 21, 2008 5:08 pm

dumouchelwolf wrote:Can't wait to see what Branson will give Mrs Gezza :bounce: :bounce:


Mmmm, maybe she'll get something hard from Mr Branson? and I don't mean a Northern Rock. :lol:
Tune in tommorow and meet Aunt Phil's co-star in Freight Mates IV.

all the best
Dooby
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby Ticket » Thu Feb 21, 2008 7:36 pm

Slightly off topic, but did anyone hear Radio 4 news, very early this morning, apparently Northern Rock have a subsiduary ( or something) that is called Granite, which it has cunningly passed all it's "sound", ( think I quote) mortgage book assets over to....leaving us normal taxation people laughing all the way to the citizens advice bureau for debt councilling, comme toujours.

Couldn't believe the name, COME ON SCOOBY don't give up, its not the replys its the views that matter, and I'm sure you can make something of this Granite issue!

Wishes not to give up to CaboFrio too, must remember to thank you both as I see new ones, sorry I haven't YE'R BOTH BRILLIANT KEEP ON KEEPING ON! You have lightened my life frequently these last few months! Thankyou XXXXXXX
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby julygirl3210 » Thu Feb 21, 2008 10:22 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Still as good as every Dooby. Thanks so much for all the laughter you bring our way. You are appreciated you know.

Can't wait to see what Branston will give her. Hot dogs maybe?
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby dumouchelwolf » Thu Feb 21, 2008 10:32 pm

julygirl3210 wrote::lol: :lol: :lol:

Still as good as every Dooby. Thanks so much for all the laughter you bring our way. You are appreciated you know.

Can't wait to see what Branston will give her. Hot dogs maybe?



I was thinking fruit and veg

2 plums and a carrot.....
HOPE THE PAELLA WAS WORTH IT MR and MRS McCANN.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:31 am

Thursday 21st February
Rumpy Stumpy

Ever done lines in LA? Unfortunately I have. Poverty lines! We are now officially skint!

Having maxed out my credit cards on L.A. essentials such as hair colour, nail extensions, acid peels, botox and yet more teeth whitening strips we are down to our last fifty dollars.

Mr Branson did call regarding my request for a loan. Having missed out on an opportunity to swindle the British tax payer out of millions in government subsidy he was in a bad mood and wasn't exactly overly sympathetic towards me. I'll just have to wait for Aunt Phil and Clarry to collect their wages from RamRod Productions tomorrow.

'Freight Mates IV' has finished shooting and is now in post production as filming begins on Heather Milly-Macca's movie, 'Rumpy-Stumpy' with John Bobbitt. Perhaps she'll lend me some cash? Perhaps not!

Aunt Philomena was quite saddle sore by the end of the days shoot and had to go for a little lie down. Today she'd been filming her scene with her co-star Arden Hardshove and according to Clarry it was a long one!

From what I heard, everything was going fine until Valentino gave the direction "Get on top Philomena!" Unfortunately her male counterpart had misinterpreted this as a direction for him to adopt a.... well to put it politely, a more aggressive acting posture as he proceeded to get on top and 'fill-her-meaner'!

Poor Aunty Phil. Mind you, she was still smiling when she got home.

Clarry's also had a tough day and looked exhausted after spending a full day fluffing. I'm still not sure what he does to help the actors prepare. I can only assume he does a lot of costume ironing. Not that there appears to be much in the way of a costume department over at RamRod but nethertheless he comes home complaining of arm and wrist ache.

I'd never seen Clarry as a drinker so was quite surprised when he told me that despite his best efforts on the fluff he hadn't had a 'stiff one' all day. I thought I'd cheer him up a little so offered to give him one myself. The look of horror on Clarry's face only disappeared when I poured, passed and klinked glasses. Clarry drained his triple brandy with a look of sudden relief.

Relaxing over another brandy Clarry told me about all about the very busy studio schedule. In addition to Heather and Aunty Phil's movies they are shooting four other porn films this week.
Clarry handed me a copy of the schedule. Six movies with 20 male actors. He says he'll have to perform a masterstroke to pull it off.

Monday: Abonement
Tuesday: The Girl with the Pearl Earring and matching necklace.
Wednesday: Freight Mates IV
Thursday: Rumpy-Stumpy
Friday : High School Floozickle
Saturday: Tit-tanic "She's Going down"

After Clarry and I, well mostly I, polished off the last of the duty free brandy I drunkenly decided to call my mother. There was no reply but I did leave her a message.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby CaboFrio » Fri Feb 22, 2008 12:12 pm

Yet another winner.

Way to go dooby!
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby Ticket » Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:39 pm

Abonement, dear oh dear, fall off chair laughing! Some movie on line mag is doing a competion of sixty seconds shorts, it's not spam honest. voting is finished! They are all very funny, fot your delight http://www.empireonline.com/awards2008/
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:04 pm

Thanks Ticket, those 60 second movies were excellent. Love em, so clever Shame there wasn't more
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby dumouchelwolf » Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:55 am

Just to say Doobyscoo ,,,,,,,,, I love you :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

Oh!!!!!!!!!!! I mean your posts. Laughed my leg off. and you don't call me Heather......
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby Magali » Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:03 pm

Hi Dooby Scoo,Oh what good pieces of literature, you should get published!Im on end page 1 but I,m glued to the screen,laughing on my own there like a loony.

Clarry exiting the on-board toilet accompanied by a male member of cabin crew. He winked in my direction before wiping his mouth with a tissue so I can only assume he'd been air sick and the steward, feeling sorry for him, gave him a complementary upgrade. Mind you, of the pair, it was the cabin steward who looked most flushed.

I hope Aunt Philomena is ok in the bowels of plane. No, not the cargo hold, even I'm not that cruel, although air freight would have been the cheaper option. She's using three seats as it is. She's in steerage with the rest of cattle class. I told her there was some sort of forward weight limit and the larger passengers are required to travel towards the rear of the aircraft to give it chance of lifting its nose off the runway. I think she bought it as I watched a stewardess retrieve three seatbelt extensions and lead her, bagpipes and all, towards the rear.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

"Pierre le frog",le coq and the horse, sorry :hoarse,stallion, and the En-suite PUB, oh no, im giggling typing! :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5:

She's using three seats as it is.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:05 pm

Friday 22nd February
Clarry's Little Secret

Pay day at last with Clarry bringing home his fist not quite full of dollars. Considering he's working in what might be described as a filthy industry I wouldn't exactly say he'd hit pay dirt. Two hundred dollars for a weeks work. According to Clarry that's only twenty dollars per fluff.

Aunt Phil didn't fair much better receiving only $1000 for her role in 'Freight Mates'. The dozy rump had failed to sign off for future royalties so bang goes my plans for milking that particular cow. She might do better in her new job as a pole dancer at Lap-flaps, a gentlemans club also owned by Valentino Ramrod.

I'm on my own tonight, I had asked if Clarry wanted to stay in with me and watch the Oscar previews but he said he'd already made arrangements. He's buddied up with some guy from work called Raymond Ringride who I do remember as one of the lighting riggers from RamRod studios. According to Clarry, Ray is heavily into drag, I suppose it takes all sorts. I'm just pleased he's found himself a friend with a manly hobby like stock car drag racing. It's not exactly my cup of earl grey but each to their own.

It would appear Clarry has a little secret!

In haste to meet his friend Clarry accidentally left his suedette man bag in my motel room. After my rooting through in search for a few dollars to take down the liquor store I came across an invitation to the 'Love Lounge' for the Miss West L.A Beauty Pageant. Written on the back of the invite I read. "I hope you can come, All my love, Celine x ". The dark horse?

Actually I'm really pleased for Clarry especially as there have been odd moments when I've been given to the notion he might be gay? Silly of me I know and after seeing a picture of Clarry's date in an accompanying event programme I couldn't have been more in the wrong. She's Stunning! I'm assuming Celine Ringride to be Raymonds sister, they certainly look alike and like most of the women photographed as pageant contestants she has quite a muscular frame. Something I put down to the LA gym culture.

I wont say anything until Clarry does. Anyway enough. I've found twenty dollars.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:27 pm

Sunday 24th February
The Oscars.

Who'd have thought it, me, on the red carpet at the Oscars. Although I've had many a dream about such a moment I never thought as I slowly made my way up the sumptuous scarlet plush I'd be doing so pushing a vacuum cleaner. So much for making it in Hollywood, things have got so desperate, to get by I've had to take on a bit of agency cleaning for the Academy. I can only take heart that Naomi Cum-bell was doing the same, only in the supermodels case its was by decree of a Californian county court judge rather than financial embarrassment.

Having already purchased a dress in the hope of attending the Oscars when it came to me turning up for cleaning duty I took a glossy leaf out of Naomi's coffee table tome and wore my best sequined Donna Karen evening gown set off by eight inch skyscraper stiletto's.

My work almost done I'd nipped round the back and was in the process of emptying the vacuum dust bag of all that had become of my dreams when someone patted me on the shoulder. After spinning on my heels and seeing the drop dead gorgeous face of the man who was tapping for my attention I lost my balance, my ankle wobbling as it perched atop its stiletto pin. It was George Clooney.

Ok, It wasn't George Clooney, but it damn well might as well have been. This man wasn't so much eye candy as eye appetizer, dinner and dessert and if it weren't for me being a good Catholic married woman I'd have been tempted to tuck right in. After helping me regain my balance the man asked why I was doing cleaning for pennies when I could be working for him for thousands. Good point, I thought as I gazed transfixed into his smokey eyes.

The stranger held out his hand with all the formality you'd expect from a handsome guy in a tuxedo and introduced himself as Rembrandt Rogers. Without a flicker of thought for poor Naomi who was sneaking a spliff by the bins I flung the half empty dust-bag aside missing the supermodel by only an inch. Luckily she was too stoned to give a damn as she stubbed out her roach and marched off with a feather duster.

Placing my hand in Rembrandt's strong grasp I introduced myself. He said he already knew who I was and after passing me his business card told me to meet him at his office tomorrow.

I was still thinking about Rembrandt later on when the cleansing supervisor tasked me with job of polishing the Oscars. "Steady on girl" said Naomi as she watched me grasp one of the nine inchers and rub buff its shiny head with all the excited vigour I could muster. Those Oscars gleamed by the time I was finished I can tell you.

I might not be attending the Oscars as I'd hoped, but at least I'll be watching them on TV with all the renewed hope and excitement my brief encounter has brought me.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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