The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby dumouchelwolf » Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:45 pm

Super duper doobysoo.

I read your posts and love them I will leave you a weeeeeeeee message next time I read one to support you for you very witty posts.. :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
HOPE THE PAELLA WAS WORTH IT MR and MRS McCANN.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby Breck » Tue Feb 12, 2008 1:23 pm

Wonderful.

I love this parallel universe. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Tue Feb 12, 2008 3:31 pm

Breck wrote:Wonderful.

I love this parallel universe. :lol: :lol: :lol:


LOl, I suppose the parrallel has gone a bit lopside lately, but what the hell. I'm sure Gez is still having some fun back home.

Fab Avatar by the way, had to drag my eyes away before it pulled me in further.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:09 pm

Friday 8th February
A Night at the Oprah

I should be nervous as I await my cue from the studio manager, but I'm not. I'm actually quite excited at the prospect of appearing on Oprah. Unlike the last time I faced an interview, I was sh*tting bricks that time I can tell you. Mind you, to be fair I was facing forty questions and some rather nasty fingering at the hands of the police. Hopefully I'll have more so say to Oprah than "no comment".

In response to a rather curt telephone message left by executive producer, Mairy Hinge we arrived at the television studio this afternoon. Aunt Phil wasted no time finding the crispy cream donuts which had been left out for crew while I waited patiently in a green room (which is actually a garish orange) for Mairy to arrive.

Clarry, having been brutishly woman-handled by a rather butch big butted security guard had a face like a bulldog licking a nettle. An over dressed bulldog at that. When I said we were going to Chicago for Oprah, I assumed Clarry would realise I meant the chat show, he came along expecting to see a performance of Rigoleeto. I wondered why he'd insisted on wearing his tuxedo.

At 2pm prompt; in marched Mairy Hinge, clip board in hand; pen in mouth as she flicked through her stack of production notes before uttering my name. Nervously I identified myself. She came over with all the grace of a prison guard on morning inspection. Boxing my shoulders square with her own, she took the pen from her mouth, stuck it behind her ear and gave me a cursory once over, tut-tutting as she did.

Squinting, the fearful Ms Hinge, leaned towards my face, her spectacles, which had previously hung on a chain round her neck, were now in her hand being used like a magnifying glass as she checked out my crows feet. Sorry diary, laughter lines.

Looking at her watch she sighed "Best get you in make up early!" and for some reason, when she led me forcibly by the arm towards my dressing room I didn't argue. I didn't dare!

After plonking me down hard in the makeup chair she scribbled some notes in red pen on her crib sheet, tore them free and without further word handed them to the make up lady, of whom, in the absence of any introduction I read her name as Donnie-Marie from her security I.D. badge.

Donnie-Marie read her instructions regarding my make up as I craned my neck to see what Mary Hinge had written beneath my name. It read "Tart her up a bit, try and make something of her". Flaming cheek, if it weren't for Gez and I needing the fifty grand cash advance I'd have called a cab there and then.

"You take no notice of old Hairy Minge" said Donnie, screwing the crib sheet in her hands and tossing the crumpled ball into the waste paper basket. "She's been that way since someone dropped a house on her sister."

That would be upsetting, I thought as Donnie fumbled through a caddy stuffed full of the gaudiest make up products I'd ever seen.

"If you could just." I asked hopefully "make me look a few years younger". Donnie paused as she contemplated my reflection in the mirror, taking, I might add, rather more time than I'd hoped she would to consider my request. "Yeah, sure" she finally answered.

I noticed, for a make up artist she wore very little herself. Maybe, with the exception of those women who work on cosmetic booths in department stores, make up artists perhaps don't bother so much for themselves. A notion dismissed instantly, not so much by a knock at the door as by the person who came through it. He, well I think it was a he, wore more make up than an extra from the Rocky Horror Show. He greeted Donnie with an air kiss, careful not to smudge his own perfectly glossed lips.

Ignoring me completely, he asked if Donnie had anything he could use on Glenn Close, it seemed his Maybelline foundation wasn't quite blending in.

"Glenn Close!!!!" gawked Donnie as she snatched the foundation tub from his hand and proceeded to mix it with what looked like 'Plaster of Paris'.

Wiping her hands on her powder dusted smock, Donnie, in keeping with the international sign of secrecy, placed her index finger to her mouth and winked. We fell about laughing as she went on to spill more gossip about all the celebrities whom had previously sat in her chair.

"I'll tell you who's really nice, but you'd never think so" she teased. I looked up waiting for her to reveal. "Sissy Spacek!" she said. I looked at her deadpan, not instantly placing the name.

"You know..from the film Carrie". She further demonstrated by whipping her head full twist in my direction as she did her best impression of Carrie White's horror stare. Again we fell about laughing.

Nice as she is, I was little disappointed at the end result. 'Rouged trash' wasn't exactly the look I was hoping to show the waiting world. Apologetically Donnie-Marie explained she was under strict instructions from Oprah. None of her guests were to look more attractive than their host, the veritable black queen of the American chat show.

Getting quite upset she went on to tell me that she couldn't risk loosing her job as she, along with her little brother Jimmy, were saving up to send their Mom to Salt Lake City for the Osmonds 'Crazy Horses' Anniversary Concert.

Feeling a bit sorry for her, I let her do her worst, although when it came to big hair and her suggestion of a 'Dixie Slut' look, I put my foot down.

"Much better!" said Mairy Hinge as she took me back to the green room in preparation for my TV debut. She asked, had I ever done any television? I wasn't in the mood to explain the format of 'Cheggers Plays Pop' so I shook my head. Un-fazed by my admitted inexperience she told me to relax, keep it light hearted and follow Oprah's lead.

With the show about to start Clarry and Aunt Phil took their seats in the studio audience leaving me with the studio runner, a young South African girl who told me it was her job to look after me until I went on. She asked if there was anything I wanted. I asked her if she could get me some coke to which she frowned and said that since Tom Cruise got a bit hyper and broke the springs on the studio couch Oprah won't allow it anymore.

That's understandable; I once gave my kids 'Sunny Delight' and found them jumping up and down on my sofa too.

She did whisper in her strong southern hemisphere accent that if I was desperate for something she had some pure "Crystal Myth" in her bag. My assumption is that Crystal Myth is a brand of spring water and as she couldn't oblige me with a can of cola I asked her to bring me some in a glass with ice. A request half met with another frown.

In any case, the dozy girl only brought me a glass of ice. Not only was it empty of liquid, it was dirty because when I poured my mini vodka, a left over from the flight, it fizzed, went cloudy and tasted somewhat bitter.

That was five minutes since. I wonder why, but the lights seem so much brighter in here now, the orange walls are starting to glow. I must say I'm starting to get a bit excited, I almost feel like dancing! My heart is racing and my fingers are tingling.

No time to write anymore, I'm going on!
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:11 pm

The Character name Mairy Hinge has been used with the kind permission of our forum member of the same name.

Once again. Thanks.

Dooby
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby julygirl3210 » Tue Feb 12, 2008 7:59 pm

Take a bow Dooby, the best yet.

I let my friend have a peek at your Diaries and she was nearly doubled up with pain through laughing so much. So with your permission, I will mail your latest installments on to her as and when you post them (if you don't want me to I will understand).

Magic.

:laughing6: :laughing6: :laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing4: :laughing4: :laughing2: :laughing2: :laughing7: :laughing7: :laughing6: :laughing6: :laughing8: :laughing8: :laughing9: :laughing9:
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Wed Feb 13, 2008 7:50 am

Sunday 11th February
Oops I did it Again

I sprinted onto the Oprah set tarted up like the dogs dinner, my heart racing with excitement. I have since found out that Crystal Myth, as offered to me by the studio runner in her slack South African drawl was not, as I had originally assumed, a brand of fresh mineral water. Take away the accent and it is in fact an amphetamine based recreational drug known as Crystal Meth. No wonder she looked confused when I requested it in a glass with ice. Thinking back, no wonder my vodka tasted bitter and fizzed when I added it. I'd inadvertently created, drank and suffered the consequences of a cocktail which Donnie-Marie later informed me is known colloquially as a Meth Mouth Marathon.

I'll tell you why they call it a Mouth Marathon, because your sodding gob runs 26 miles ahead of your brain. I didn't know what the hell I was saying, nor did Oprah for that matter as she struggled to get a word in edge ways, and why oh why when defending my being caught on camera with my rocks out did I start ranting on about Harvey Kietels willy and the number of times he's whopped it out before the camera. The audience were going wild, which, just like they did at the pantomime only spurred me on to more crowd pleasing acts of outrageous behavior. Having finished slagging off Harvey Kietel and the size of his talent I started talking about other Hollywood actors who in my opinion, and these were the very words I used live on Oprah, should also be getting their cocks out on screen. As I listed their names the audience howled with delight especially when I said "Denzel", holding my hollow fist to my mouth and probing my tounge wide into the inner flesh of my left cheek before completing his name, "Washington". Oprahs mouth hit the floor.

I can imagine the Brit headlines now, Rothley's Rambling Raver's Cock Shock Rocks Oprah.

While Oprah may have appeared shocked, if not downright dsgusted on camera, off air was a different story. She, along with her executive producer Mairy Hinge were positively delighted, especially it being ratings sweeps week and with Britney letting them down only the previous day it was just the sort of shock ratings boost they'd been looking for.

Still high on Meth I ended up in the seedy bars of Cicero where I danced and partied until the early hours of Saturday morning. By mid afternoon I'd completely crashed and having been asleep for the last thirty six hours was oblivious to all the furore I'd caused. It was Aunt Phil who woke me with the exciting news. I've achieved something even Robbie Williams has failed to do. I've broke America. Everyone wants a piece of me. There's even a suggestion that Judge Judy wants to do a special stand off between with me a Heather Milly Macca as her Spring Break special.

There's only one thing to do. Open a Us bank account, get an agent and head for the west coast. Hold on to your hats Hollywood, here I come.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby dumouchelwolf » Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:15 pm

Well Doobyscoo,

what can I say but that you are a genious.

Your imagination and wit is stupendous.

Another fabulous Diary written by the one and only DOOBYSCOO :D

Thanks again... :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
HOPE THE PAELLA WAS WORTH IT MR and MRS McCANN.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Feb 14, 2008 11:12 am

Monday 11th February
Sweet Dreams My L.A.X

Having spent a week in the windy city draining Oprah's expense account sahara dry we're now heading west to Los Angeles for a meeting with my newly acquired Hollywood Agent, Silky Va-Lance.

Once again I'm wearing my carbon Milano Blahniks as we make our final approach into LAX, this time, get this, flying Oprah's private jet. Seems she was keen to get us out of town since receiving a rather hefty drinks bill for my stay at the Regency Hyatt. I'm not fussed; Chicago's too cold in February anyway. I'm looking forward to getting some of that famous Californian sunshine.

Before leaving I phoned Gez to find out how he was getting on. I wasn't sure if he'd be cross with me given my second bout of public indiscretion but he couldn't have been more delighted. Clarry had already furnished him with the details of the many cash offers I've been getting, and I don't mean sort of cash offers Heather Milly-Macca is used to getting from blokes down the old Lamb and Flag. We're talking proper Hollywood loo-lar.

It's amazing what personal principals fly out the window the moment money starts flying through the door. As Gez keeps reminding me, since Esther threw our million down the old Porto-colon, dignity is a luxury we can ill afford.

I asked Gez how he'd got on with Rachel over the weekend. He said she'd certainly taught him a thing of two in the cherry orchard. l feel things are looking better for Gez and I, and just like an old pair of grungy knickers which get pushed to the back of the drawer, thoughts of Esther are nothing but a discarded memory consigned to the back of my mind.

I asked how the kids were getting on, and if they'd mentioned me. Apparently not a word, but they have been asking after 'Mummy-Clarry' !?!?!.

Before leaving for the States I had asked Mum if she'd take them in for a few weeks to help us out. By strange coincidence she and Dad had just booked themselves on a nice last minute getaway with 'Saga' holidays to Praia de Luz. I'm not sure I'd want the children going back there, the kids club amenities were just vile. Last time we holidayed there they expected us to be with them more than half of their waking hours. Disgraceful!

At least Gez can think on his feet (one of the reasons I married him, heaven knows it wasn't for his charm and wit). He's managed to book them into some sort of boarding nursery provided by Leicester Social Service. I think they call it the "In Care" nursery. Sounds lovely! They'll be staying there at least until Clarry can get back home to look after them.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:30 am

Tuesday 12th February
Clarry's Chocolate Shake

L A is a strange city. Supposedly half the population are on a health kick with the other half kicking the habit. I've got a feeling I'll fit right in, probably somewhere in the middle.

Automotively, we're playing it down a little, especially as for the time being we're paying our own ticket, at least until the money starts rolling in. With economy in mind we've hired a compact Ford 'Kumquat' for the duration of our stay. Actually what with global warming most stars are ditching their Limo's in favour of something more environmentally friendly and besides, Aunt Phil was getting a bit frustrated that Stretch Hummers don't fit through the MacDonald's Drive thru lanes.

Everything here is drive thru; having forgotten his contact lenses Clarry mistakenly went into a drive-in colonic irrigation clinic and got a chocolate shake he wasn't quite expecting. Silly moo!

Having been here a day I've become a little self conscious about my teeth. Not that I've got nasty gnashers or anything, I'm obsessive compulsive when it comes to flossing. I guess being in a state whose inhabitants annually spend more on teeth whitening products than the whole of the UK's national dental budget has made me a little paranoid. I'm gong to need ultra brights if I'm going to make it in movies so I've sent Clarry down the 'stop 'n' shop' to fetch me some whitening strips.

With view to making 'the movie', I had my first meeting with my theatrical agent. I'm not quite sure what to make of Silky, she's a southern gal, unafraid to speak her mind. Something she admits can be a handicap in California.

While perusing her portfolio of clients I was a little perturbed as to why she only had female clients. I felt quite vulnerable with her eyeing me up and down as I sat cross legged on her faux cow hide casting couch. I may have wrestled naked with Heather Milly-Macca live on stage at the Rothley Playhouse but that's about as Sapphic as I'm going to get in this lifetime.

I shouldn't have worried. Silky is about as heterosexual as they come. She admitted the only reason she didn't have men on her books is because she can't keep her hands off them. A diagnosed chronic nymphomaniac, she's been a card carrying member of sexual compulsives anonymous since the age of 16 and from her account, it has got her in considerable trouble over the years.

Changing the subject, Silky talked me through some of her better known clients.

"That's Charlene Tilton" she said proudly. "You'd probably remember her as Lucy, the poisoned dwarf from Dallas!" She went on to tell me how it was her agency which landed her the abdominizer info-mercial. A deal so lucrative she was able to rock, rock, rock herself into early retirement.

Silky turned the page to show a middle aged woman strumming a guitar. "Now that's Valerie Lansberg" She said, explaining how she used to play Doris Schwartz in the 'Kids from Fame',

And not much since I proffered.

"Well maybe not on TV" said Silk defensively, "but she's very popular among the Yiddish community, if you want her at your kids Bar Mitzvah, I'm taking bookings to 2018."

She went on to show me a plethora of faces, some I recognised, most I didn't. But, handing it to Silky, she's got the gift of the gab. I'd been in there less that an hour and she had me signing away my soul, well ten percent of it at least. I'm now yet another aspiring blonde among her book of Hollywood hopefuls.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby Romeo'sJuliet » Sat Feb 16, 2008 1:36 am

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

I hope this is NOT real prediction of the future
Indeed I never shall be satisfied with Romeo
Till I behold him - dead -
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:53 am

Friday 15th February
Walk the Walk

I think the best way I can describe LA is to say that it is a city whose people form its main attraction. It's very much a place to see and be seen. Other than stargazing, as they call it, there's very little else to do here. Aunty Phil did enjoy having her picture taken with one of the many Marylyn Monroe lookey-likey's who ply their tourist trade outside Mann's Chinese Theatre. Five dollars a throw! They must think one's born every minute.

After Aunt Phil had relieved a concessions trader of most of her hot dogs we decided to walk the walk, of fame that is, watching as we did the endless parade of tourists who were having pictures taken as they compared concrete handprints with their own.

Squealing with girlish delight Philly placed her podgy paws where Miss Monroe had one placed hers to find, much to my amazement, her hands were exactly the same size as the late Norma Jean's. Shame the rest of her body wasn't in the same proportion I mused but kept quiet, not wishing to shatter Philly's moment of struck delight.

Looking at all the handprints I wondered if I would be getting down on my hands and knees in Hollywood sometime soon. A girl can only live in hope!

With this thought in mind I took out my mobile and called Silky's office to find out if she'd managed to get me any work. According to Gloria Hole, her rather dopey personal assistant, Silky had been taken downtown having been arrested by LAPD for lewd public conduct while suspended from a window cleaners cradle. It appears her habits of sexual compulsion have once again got her into hot water as she climbed naked out of her eight story office window to go full-on with the window washer. Apparently it was the sight of a soap sodden bare chest in a climbing harness that did the trick.

"It's happened before." Admitted an embarrassed partially responsible Gloria. Although she had known Friday is window cleaning day she had forgotten to close the office blinds and thus allow temptation to dangle himself in full view of Silky's window facing desk.

Gloria did have some good news for me. Silky had managed to get me some work and I'm to call round first thing in on Monday morning for the details. I wonder what my first assignment will be?

After trekking up to the into Beverly Hills to have our photos taken in front of the Hollywood sign, Aunt Phil and I made our way back into town to finish off our days tourist trail by having a late lunch in Schwab's Drug Store just off Sunset Boulevard.

As we walked toward the revolving entrance doors of Schwabs I could have sworn I recognised one of the women who exited the counter clockwise spin of the door. I didn't get a good look at her face but I'd know that false leg anywhere as I watched her hobble into the back seat of a waiting cab. Heather Milly-Macca!

What's that banana b1tch doing in town I wonder?
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby dumouchelwolf » Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:31 am

Way to go Doobyscoo :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :P :P
HOPE THE PAELLA WAS WORTH IT MR and MRS McCANN.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:23 am

Monday 18th February
Mary Pippins

There's no fooling around when it comes to the fame game so says the word according to Silky Va-lance who told me to play the game in Hollywood you've got to be both player and pawn.

She's come up with two jobs. First was an drama-mercial for some new kind of portable child monitor which, following a legal wrangle with Disney, they are now re-marketing under the brand name "Mary Pippins".

The job involves promoting a walkie-talkie type devise which allows a parent to hear children from as much as 80 metres away. Silky tossed me the script.

The commercial plays out the dilemma of a mother worried about going out with her friends while leaving her little ones home alone. In walks Mary Pippins (played by me) and voila after handing over the child monitor she sends the mother off to have lashings of fun with her friends. The final scene shows them all having a good time in a restaurant with me winking knowingly to camera.

I fail to understand the concept, if I'm 80 meters away from my kids, that's for very good reason. I don't flicking want to hear them! It was with some exasperation I read the casting specification.

*** Mary Pippins -English, 50 / 60 year old Nanny / Granny type. ***

I threw the sheet aside with all the contempt it deserved. How dare Silky even think I'd consider playing an older woman, let alone a Nanny type. If they want an older English lady they had best call Dame Judy Dench or Helen Miran. I imagine they'd be glad of the work!

The second job looked more promising and I had been requested by name so there was no need for me to audition. Yes!!! It's a yet untitled movie inspired by my recent rise to fame and prominence.

Probing Silky for more details she's told me I'll be working with an aspiring producer director called Valentino Ramrod. Referring back to Silky's earlier conversation I asked if Valentino was a major player or a pawn. I think he's at the top of his game because she referred to him not only as a player and a pawn but also as a king. If I remember correctly the words she used were "Pawn King of Hollywood".

I read the glitzy address on the job sheet; RamRod Production Studios based in West Hollywood. It all sounds very Tinsel Town glamorous! Apparently they are an arty independent studio specialising in productions for the DVD and the internet download market. I can't wait to show up on set.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Wed Feb 20, 2008 7:32 am

Tuesday 19th February
Valentino RamRods Porn Cocktail

Having woken really early I used the time to prepare myself for a busy day's filming. What better way than to shake off the old cobwebs with an energetic go with 'Rock Your Butt'-The bums and tums workout to the music of Deff Leopard which was showing on the Aerobics cable network.

Before setting off for RamRod Studios I took a quick shower and shave (no time for veet!) and went to the diner over the road from our motel where I met Clarry & Phil who were already tucking into their full English breakfasts. Knowing the camera adds at least six pounds I opted for a bowl of Special-K. Today of all days the last thing I want inside of me is a hot sausage!

Today I'll be shooting a few scenes from my movie alongside an actor called Jizz Diggler. I've not heard of him before and I'm not sure what role he'll be playing but Silky assures me he's got an enormous part.

Being a little nervous, this being my first movie, I asked Phil & Clarry to come along and excitedly they agreed.

-0-

The words 'Hollywood Studio' had conjured up the images of sound stages the size of aircraft hangers so RamRod Productions wasn't exactly what I was expecting when we approached what looked like a disused warehouse sandwiched between an adult bookstore and a massage parlour.

At first I thought we'd got the wrong address until Clarry pointed out the words RamRod Studio's which were painted over a faded sign which you could still just about read as 'Valentino's Discount Carpet Mart'.

If the studio was a far cry from my expectation I'd yet to meet Valentino Ramrod. I should have figured out (which I didn't at that point) the sort of films he was making. His first words to me were "Nice jugs".

Putting this down to artistic temperament and with me being so keen to make movies I swept all apprehension aside feeling reassured after spotting two actresses whom I recognised. It was those talented young German girls who played Heidi and Gretel in 'Schwarzer Wald Erotica'. Gez will be so pleased that I managed to get their autographs.

Valentino was in a bad mood. Not everybody had turned into work. I'm not totally 'au fait' with the various 'handles' used to describe film crew; Grippy, Best boy, Boom, its all like a foreign language to me. I had no idea what he meant when he said the 'fluffer' had called in sick.

Valentino explained it was the fluffer's job to prepare the actors for their performance and in the absence of said fluffer he couldn't start the shoot. It was Clarry who saved the day as he caught sight of the muscular Jizz Diggler walking through his open dressing room door. Instantly he volunteered his services stepping in as Jizz's Fluffer offering as he did to give Jizz a hand and assist him in whatever ways might be required. Handy Clarry!

As Valentino was about to explain the script, of which there didn't appear to be much, who should hobble in but my arch foe, Heather Milly-Macca. Actually she was really nice, telling me that since the police investigation was now drawing to a close, she considered our little scrapette to be water under the bridge and since Valentino had cast her into my movie we should be try and be friends. For the sake of art I decided to bury the hatchet, hugged and said "Let's make movies."

Looking very pleased, having been fully fluffed, a robed Jizz Diggler walked out of his dressing room to join me on set. I noticed Clarry through the dressing room door sitting on a folding directors chair smoking a cigarette. Funny, I never knew Clarry smoked.

Valentino, reading through the script went on to explain the scene as quoting the lyrics from my improvised version of My Favourite Things.

"Bored lonely housewife I typed into Google, Two hours later, on fours like a poodle. This." he paused, removing his Ray-bans and turned in my direction. "This is the very essence of the scene, so If you could just pop yourself on all fours we'll start shooting." At that point Jizz was in the process of removing his robe. I could see what Silky meant when she said Jizz was an up and coming actor. He was definitely up and if Valentino had his way he'd soon be coming.

Horrified I slapped Valentino's face and marched off the set leaving Clarry, Aunt Phil and for that matter Heather Milly-Macca behind.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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