The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

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The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:11 am

Wednesday 30th January 2007
Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours!

I would have written this sooner but I've been a bit the worse for wear since Christmas. The boob job was a total disaster and I've since had them, well 'toned down'. What do they say, more than a handful and all that.

Aunt Philomena went home, bless her, we've become quite good friends since she was so kind to me when Gez had his moment of madness and left me high and lets face it, not exactly dry. Needless to say he was gone less than a week, Esther hit him where it hurts. His Wallet! Turns out she's sold his pension fund up Swanee River without a paddle.

That's bad news for me. We're skint and Gez is putting me under more pressure than ever to go back to work. He's even come round about my pantomime incident, especially now the cash offers have started rolling in. I've been offered the cover of FHM but am holding out for the 'Hello' people to come back before saying yes.

I'm still top download on YouTube. Who'd ever have thought the power of the internet could make me an overnight celebrity.

Clarry took a few weeks off with stress. Stress!! He doesn't know the meaning of the word. I've had to break the habits of a lifetime and do a bit of housework. My god, I swear that sucking beast, the Dyson Root 8 cyclone weighs more than I do. Hoovering the stair carpet nearly killed me.

Alas when it comes to ironing I'm clueless, luckily I got talking to a Czech immigrant who I found begging outside Marks and Spencers. Her name is Jillinski. She's a plain, dull girl who doesn't smile much but she's glad of the £1.25 an hour I'm paying her to do my ironing. When I handed her the crisp tenner for her full eight hours labour she was so grateful she instantly burst into tears. Good job I haven't paid her more, I don't want her getting hysterical on me. Anyway Clarry is back now, but I think I'll still keep Jillinski on to help him out.


A young couple have moved in over the road. David and Victoria, they seem quite nice, although she does seem a little bit stuck up, even for round here. David has already made quite a name for himself with the Rothley Rangers Sunday league team, he asked me if Gez ever played footie. Gez and football, there's a laugh, not only has he got two left feet, when it comes to sports Gez is not known as a team player. I remember once joining him for tennis doubles. b****y hell he had bigger tantrums than Elton John on a bad hair day.

I have seen Victoria in Debenhams though, there she was, waltzing through the store like the very floor was made of air, flashing her platinum plastic at anyone who cared to look. Stuck up cow! Anyway, to be polite Clarry and I went over to say hello.

I introduced myself to Victoria. She made no apology of giving my Donna Karen stove pipe denims the disapproving once-over before pouting her affected "Hillooo". She followed through with a cutting comment about my favourite jeans. Turns out she had the same ones, she paused before adding, last year and in a smaller size. I don't think we'll get on.

Clarry was all over David like some sort of nasty rash. I wouldn't mind but Clarry hates football, he told me it's a game for common thuggish louts. To be neighbourly I've invited David and Victoria over for supper on Sunday. Clarry is already having a good flick through Ainsley Harriots meaty delights. I'm sure he'll find something suitable to satisfy David, but it looks like Victoria will make do with a single naked lettuce leaf.

Thursday 1st February
'Coming to America'
Talk about white Rabbits!. I seem to have pulled one out of a hat. Only this morning I've had a call from Americas top talk show host Oprah Winfrey whose looking to book me, yes me. Must be since seeing all the hoo-har of me on the internet, turns out she'd love me to come in her slot, whatever that means?

Well I'm wasting no time. Clarry's on the phone now to nice Mr Branson who runs a little airline as some sideline hobby so we'll be flying 'Untouched Atlantic' stateside. Who knows, there might be a film deal in it for me too.

Now what are they wearing on the east coast? I'm off shopping, ta-taaa.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby MsMarbles » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:48 am

Good to have you back Dooby, and on form :)

I hope you are feeling a lot better now.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:37 am

Saturday 2nd February
Groundhog Day

Gez was kind of frisky this morning. He must be excited about me going to america because in my dreary state I heard him mutter something about a beaver and asked If I was going to Gobblers Knob?. Must have been talking about the Pittsburgh tradition of pulling Punxsutawny Phil out of a tree stump on Feb 2nd ...Groundhog Day.

I drifted back to sleep....

Gez was kind of frisky this morning. In my dreary state I heard him mutter something about a beaver and asked If I was going to Gobblers Knob?. Must have been talking about the Pittsburgh tradition of pulling Punxsutawny Phil out of a tree stump on Feb 2nd ...Groundhog Day.

Did that just happen or did I dream it, freaky de-ja-vu.

I drifted back to sleep........

Gez prodded me in the back, annoyed and impatiently he said "for the third ****ing time, get your beaver out and gobble my Knob!"

Well its hog day for sure. The arrogant sodding pig!
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby CaptnMorgan » Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:05 pm

That was great!!! Missed you! :D
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby julygirl3210 » Sun Feb 03, 2008 4:58 pm

Thank you so much Dooby. We have all missed you.

That was, as usual, so funny.

Life hasn't been the same without my Dooby Fix :!: :!:

:blob: :blob2: :blob3: :blob4: :blob5: :blob6: :blob7: :blob8:

Nice to have you back

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Tue Feb 05, 2008 12:32 pm

Sunday 3rd February

An Evening with the Bickums

David and Victoria Bickum, accompanied by their three kids, Bronx, Othello and Crud came for supper this evening. Unlike Clarry, I'd completely forgot, what with my pending appearance on Oprah, to mention to Gez I'd invited our new neighbours round. He wasn't quite so annoyed when he saw Victoria swishing up the drive and actually ran to the door to greet her personally, something he never does.

Clarry was so excited and ever so eager to impress our guests with his poultry offering. David had only been in the house for twenty minutes and Clarry got his coq out. I wouldn't mind but he'd been basting the thing most of the afternoon working up quite a sweat as he hand cranked the rotisserie thus ensuring Ainsley Harriot's spit roasted hot coq was nice and brown.

Considering that Victoria entered my house empty handed she wasn't shy when it came to guzzling down my pricey Pinot Grigio at three quid a glass. With supper yet to be served we were already down to the label of the second bottle. I quickly ran into the kitchen where Clarry was plating up some Bernard Mathews turkey dinosaurs and oven chips for the kids. In keeping with Gez and my family design, the kids eat separately in the conservatory where they can be seen but definitely not heard. I instructed Clarry to take the other six bottles of Pinot back to the cellar and replace them with the emergency Lanbrini we'd got in for, well lets just say, the less popular friends and relatives whom might drop by.

As expected, Victoria turned her nose up when Clarry placed his coq before her. Unlike David who, much to Clarry's delight, gobbled it down like a famine starved Rwandan. Dinner conversation was the usual, work, travel, kids. David, bless him, he does stumble over long words and finishing full sentences often leaving Victoria to orate on his behalf.

Over dinner I asked Victoria how they had decided on their kids names. After waiting some minutes for her to chew and swallow a piece of lettuce the size of a postage stamp she informed me that the Bronx was where her first son was conceived during one of their many shopping trips to New York City. Enquiring of her second son, Othello, I asked if his name was inspired by the Shakespearean play?

"No, the board game!" She honked.

It turns out that his conception occurred one rainy day when, stumped by the rules of the counter based strategy game they decided instead to make love.

"Lucky" I replied, "you weren't playing Kerplunk!" A joke whose irony was lost on both of them as David gurgled, his chin dripping with gravy "Oh we love that game, don't we Vic?". She kicked him from under the table. In anycase, no doubt had they been playing Kerplunk, conception might never have happened.

"And Crud?" I questioned.

Victoria blushed and admitted Davids little spelling mistake when he went to the registry office for the Birth Certificate. I held up my napkin, pretending to dab my mouth lest my smirk give me away.

After coffee Victoria turned to her husband saying "David!....You may now leave the table". He sprang to his feet and ran towards the conservatory to join the kids who had also finished eating and were now fighting over turns on the Nintendo.

"David!", shouted Victoria, as she beckoned him back to her presence. Spitting on her napkin to wipe dried food from Davids face she said "And what do you say?" Politely, David turned to me and thanked me for a lovely tea thereafter his wife instructed him to go wash his hands and play nicely.

I could see David through the french windows. He has such a way with children. They clearly adore him, even our kids were laughing and giggling in his presence, something they never do with us.

Retiring to the lounge Victoria told me how she used to sing in a band but had since made more of a name for herself in the fashion industry. Fashion Industry! She's only the Leicester North East rep for Gratton's Catalogue. Not one to miss out on her opportunity to earn twenty five percent commission Victoria promptly took out the two kilo tome of gaudy gloss from her patent leather 'Jane Norman' and showed me pages of garments which she'd already pre-marked with sticky post it notes as the ones best suited to 'a woman of my age'. The nerve!

Explaining in laborious detail, Victoria went through the many 'easy payment' options which were cleverly designed to ensure you'd still be paying for clothes long after they'd gone out of fashion and with the distinct possibility they'd be back in fashion by the time you'd made the final payment.

Much to Victoria's disappointment I declined the hard sell, to be polite I did order a four pack of small white cotton Y-fronts for Gez. Punching in the numbers on her 'Prada' calculator, Victoria informed me that would be 6 pence per week for 520 weeks. Reaching for my purse, I asked if I could pay the £6.99 in one go, a request she accepted reluctantly as it would vastly reduce her commission. Not wishing to let go, she suggested I purchase the wear and repair warranty which actually cost more than the underpants themselves.

Victoria wasn't the only one who was p***** off, Gez stormed back in the lounge and poured himself a very stiff brandy, David having beaten him at Subuteo. This was the last straw and within half an hour David, Victoria, Bronx, Othello and Crud were gone. I was actually pretty relieved at their early departure. I have my own departure to think about and Clarry has yet to pack my bags for tomorrows flight to Chicago.

Get ready America, here I come.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby julygirl3210 » Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:08 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Brilliant Dooby,

The innuendo in this piece is truly superb. "Clarry hand cranked the rotisserie.........." :oops:

Well done.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:37 pm

Monday 4th February
Mile High

11pm: GMT

You know life is much more fun with your legs in the air. Thirty nine thousand feet in the air to be exact. Right now I'm bouncing up and down on Mr Branson's massive Jumbo (Jet, that is) as I tread my carbon size sevens across a bit of Mid Atlantic air turbulence. Nothing too scary but enough to warrant the relighting of the seatbelt sign. I barely had chance to glug the Krug from the upstairs champagne cocktail and jakuzzi lounge when bumpity bump and we were sent back to our recliner cots. The head purser said not to worry as he gently buckled me in my 'aristo-cabin' reclining bed, a privilege reserved only for us upper class travelers. "Rest assured" he winked cheekily before bringing me a fresh bottle of Don Perignon and a straw. That was twenty minutes ago so I'm getting a little anxious now for my second bottle.

Of course, not all of my fellow passengers are traveling within the luxurious curtained off confides of 'aristo-cabin' class. Clarry, who should have been traveling alongside Aunty Phil has managed to get himself upgraded to business class. I'm not exactly sure how but I guess he pulled it off with a member off the crew. Shortly after take off I noticed, as I made my way up the spiral staircase to the Jacuzzi lounge, Clarry exiting the on-board toilet accompanied by a male member of cabin crew. He winked in my direction before wiping his mouth with a tissue so I can only assume he'd been air sick and the steward, feeling sorry for him, gave him a complementary upgrade. Mind you, of the pair, it was the cabin steward who looked most flushed.

I hope Aunt Philomena is ok in the bowels of plane. No, not the cargo hold, even I'm not that cruel, although air freight would have been the cheaper option. She's using three seats as it is. She's in steerage with the rest of cattle class. I told her there was some sort of forward weight limit and the larger passengers are required to travel towards the rear of the aircraft to give it chance of lifting its nose off the runway. I think she bought it as I watched a stewardess retrieve three seatbelt extensions and lead her, bagpipes and all, towards the rear.

Gez hasn't joined us this time, he's turned his attention back towards rebuilding his precious pension fund and recouping the nest egg which Esther foolishly squandered with her Barcelonan investments.

The sordid topic of coin bores me senseless so I'm happy to leave all the fiscal tomfoolery behind. Gez has already pocketed my fifty thou advance appearance fee from Oprah which he plans to invest wisely, this time in land and agriculture. Only the other day I overheard him talking to one of his Masonic cronies about some old-field he's been eager to plough for ages. To this end, he's spending a few days with our holiday friend Rachel. She's a fruit farmer's daughter so I'm sure she'll be showing him the best way to plant his seed and no doubt pluck the ripest cherry.

PING, Ahh, seat belt sign off. Pen down and back to the bar.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Feb 07, 2008 5:02 pm

Tuesday 5th February
Bad Hair at O'hare

Airborne : 5.30am US Mid Western Time

It was the captains message that woke me, alerting me to the news that we had started our final descent to Chicago O'hare Airport. Stretching out in my first class recliner cot I heard the clank as two, OK lets be honest, more like twelve empty mini liquor bottles fell to the cabin floor. Embarrassed I quickly gathered up the bottles and deposited them into the oversize handbag of an elderly passenger who was still dozing towards the rear of the first class Aristo-cabin.

It seems I was not the only one who'd been supping the complimentaries. Aunt Philomena had got so drunk on larger and thin air they'd had to lock her in one of the on-board toilets. Air-rage Glaswegian style, it couldn't have been pretty. Clarry told me that most of steerage class had been kept awake by the sound of bagpipes as Auntie Phil, dissatisfied with the lack of Scottish flavour provided by the inflight entertainment system, squeezed out 'Donald where's me troosers' in continuous loop. When an air steward had tried to retrieve and re-stow the bags apparently things got a little nasty. It eventually took eight passengers and crew to wrestle her to the ground and remove the bagpipes before stowing the old bag (at that point Clarry was referring to Aunt Phil herself and not her instrument) in the toilet.

She's been in there for most of the flight shouting "lemmee out yer sassaaanach baaaarstarrrds". They were going to arrest her on landing and if it weren't for Clarry's once again using his tongue to get round Head Flight Purser Truelove, I'm sure they would have done.

With 30 minutes to landing I nipped into the loo to freshen up for landing. b****y hell, puffy eyed and my hair looked like I'd been dragged through a bush backward, and I should know,I have been dragged through a bush backwards...and forwards, but that's enough talk of my carefree teen years. In the end I had to make do with splash of water and a quick scrunch dry under the hand dryer.

Ah well, seats for landing. Time for Illinois to see this Brit Chic-ago go.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby pakeha2007 » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:34 am

Thanks for some humour on a sunny Friday morning.
"...he winked cheekily before bringing me a fresh bottle of Don Perignon and a straw. That was twenty minutes ago so I'm getting a little anxious now for my second bottle. ..."
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Sun Feb 10, 2008 10:04 pm

Tuesday 5th February
A Frog in Clarry's Throat

What with all the rigmarole of getting through customs we weren't out the airport terminal until 10.30. Of course we would have been out sooner had Auntie Phil not lost her footing when retrieving my case from the luggage carousel. I suppose Clarry and I should have helped her but we were laughing too much as she went round on the moving luggage belt. Having been kept awake most of the night, firstly by her bagpipes and then by her banshee like wailing, none of her fellow passengers responded to her cries for help either. She must have gone round six times before an airport official stopped the conveyor and went to her assistance.

Once out the terminal we were met by Chuck, our very friendly limo driver. He was very informative giving us quite a little detour of downtown cicero before finally dropping us off at the Regency Hyatt. Aunt Phil didn't even make it to the reception desk. No, not once she'd spotted the 'All You Can Eat Rib Steak Buffet", she was like a rat up a drainpipe leaving it to Clarry and me to check in.

I've been given the penthouse suite overlooking lake Michigan, its fantastic, no worries about the mini bar running dry, I've got an en-suite pub. Assistance with my luggage came from a rather studly looking french bellboy called Pierre, I was about to offer la garcon his gratuity but Clarry said he'd take care of all that from his room. No doubt once Pierre's unloaded his bags on top of the bed I'm sure Clarry will reciprocate by offering him his huge tip.

After freshening up I made a quick call to Gez. There was no answer on his mobile so I phoned down to Clarry's room. Again no answer. When eventually I did manage to catch up with Clarry he said he'd been unable to answer the phone because he had a frog in his throat.

"Hoarse?" I questioned as I offered him a Eucalyptus pastille. In a voice which wasn't the slightest bit croaky, Clarry replied "I'll say, like a stallion". Strange man?

Anyway, I've got a few days before I'm doing Oprah, oh that reads a bit rude, I meant to say before Oprah has me on the couch. So what will it be, ensuite pub or shopping?

Oh hell, shopping can wait.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby nurgis » Mon Feb 11, 2008 1:54 am

Glad to see you Doobyscoo:wav: :lol: :lol: :wav:
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby pakeha2007 » Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:34 am

Thanks as always.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:17 pm

.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40)

Postby doobyscoo » Mon Feb 11, 2008 12:19 pm

Oops posted by mistake. Watch this space for next episode.

Thank you for all the kind messages, I'm pleased people still enjoy this.

Dooby
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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