The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby LA Lady » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:06 pm

Dooby,

Love both pieces so much - I feel like I was there :D :lol: :bounce:

Can't wait for more.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:34 pm

Message from Doobyscoo. Don't miss out on Clarry's Little Secret & The Oscars on page 3
____________________________________________________________________________

and on with todays.........

Monday 25th February
Rembrandt's Nice Watch

This was supposed to be my time in Hollywood. Who should waltz home at 3am this morning having attended Elton John's post Oscar party but Clarry. He kept that quiet. How dare he not invite me! No doubt he was on a date with his new bit of stuff, Celine Ringride.

Clarry was still full of himself over breakfast, its not enough he's rubbing shoulders with the LA glitterati but does he have to rub my nose in it as well. He was like the cat who'd got the 'St Ivel' double cream as he regaled every detail of how he'd been drinking champagne with proud Oscar winner Tilder Swinton.

Her parents should have spelled her name 'Tilda', shes every bit the colour of boiled rice!

To be honest, having watched Tilder Swinton's acceptance speech I was surprised she even made it to Elton's party, to me she looked like she was ringing the bell on deaths dark door. I even had to adjust the colour contrast on my television set as I watched her receiving her award looking as she did more like an emaciated greek statue made from ice white marble. If I'd have met Tilder, which no thanks to Clarry I haven't, my advice to her would have been to eat a donut and get a tan!

Joining us at the breakfast diner Aunty Phil greeted me with more bad news. She's been sacked from her weekend job as a pole dancer at Lap-flaps. It seems they don't make poles strong enough. Looking rather bruised having spent most of the evening in the emergency room she said the poor sole who broke her fall was still critical.

Refusing to be beaten down by Clarry becoming part of the glitterati and Aunt Phil's failure to pay my way I set off to see Rembrandt Rogers in his office downtown.

Considering Rembrandt had also spent half the night at post Oscar parties he looked as fresh as a daisy as he offered me welcome refreshment. He told me he had spent most of the evening with Liz Hurley and it wasn't without a twinge of jealousy that I wondered if Miss Hurley had hurled herself in Rembrandt's direction. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had.

While sipping my mineral water (Yes mineral water, he had offered something stronger but I wanted to create a good impression) I wondered, in Rembrandt's position as casting director, if he would have a part big enough to satisfy me. Hell I bet Rembrandt's part could satisfy me in any position, on his desk would have done for starters.

Fortunately he was on the lookout for an English lady to play the non recurring character, Dr Cavader, in a Portuguese soap opera called 'Hospital de Fariado' which he translated for me as 'Holiday Hospital'. He thinks I'll be just perfect for the role.

Catching sight of Rembrandt's nice watch I noted I'd been in his office less than twenty minutes before he offered me the job. Of all the casting directors in Hollywood he must be the only one you don't have to sleep with to get work and undoubtedly he's the only one you'd want to. Always life's cruel irony!

He wasn't at all put off that the only Portuguese I know is "Outros quartoze frascos de vihno por favour".

'Holiday Hospital' is filmed entirely on location in Mehico where he explained production costs are lower and actors' equity rules are worth diddlysquat, so with the added attraction of some exotic booze, not to mention the $10,000 I'll be getting paid I agreed to take the job.

Tomorrow, like the three amigos, we are all heading down to San Jose. I just hope the Ford Kumquat is large enough for all our sombreros.

ARRIBA!
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby julygirl3210 » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:45 pm

Scorchio.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby LA Lady » Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:46 am

Dooby,

Just read 25th February and I had to take a break a couple of times from laughing so hard.

So the gringos are heading South. Love it :lol: :bounce: :bounce:

Adios from
LA :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby scandi » Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:47 am

OMG Doobyscoo, Maybe Kate will have to learn how to sing FADO! Image

I wub it! xox
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Tue Feb 26, 2008 11:13 am

Tuesday 26th February
Do you know the way to San Jose?

L.A is a great big freeway, put a hundred down and rent a car, in a week, maybe two they'll make you a star.

Unfortunately, unlike Burt Bacharach, our car Satellite Navigation unit, which sent us north out of Los Angeles, DOES NOT know the way to San Jose, or at least the town of San Jose in Mexico.

We'd been driving for at least an hour before realising that Mexico is southbound and Aunty Phil had programmed the SatNav to take us to San Jose, San Francisco C.A. The Dozy mare!

After re-programming the annoying little machine, this time with the correct location, our road-trip took us back through the City of Angels and down towards San Diego thereafter crossing the border into what I can best describe as; Mexico - Council estate of the North Americas.

Clarry hasn't joined us; in fact I'm not too impressed with his recent brand of loyalty. He threw an absolute dizzy fit, sounding out adjectives I barely understood. If Gez were here Clarry wouldn't have dared show such disrespect. No doubt that new girlfriend of his has something to do with this sudden emergence of attitude.

He's going to have to pull his stockings up if he wants to continue in my employment. On the subject of stockings, I found a pair as I was packing the car. They were stuffed under the drivers' seat along with knickers, a wig and a pair of false boobs. According to Clarry they belonged to Raymond Ringride, surely he meant his sister, Celine?

Anyway, Mexico!

At this point, but it be true, I'd like to be writing of festival streets with swarthy senoritas dancing la cucaracha to the rhythmic sounds of guitars while colourful gringos wearing carpet thread ponchos tend to their mules and asses.

Unfortunately the accuracy of reality prevents me from describing the Mexican town of San Jose in such a romantic fashion. Having said that; when we did finally arrive at our hotel, the El Bordello Espendido, I did happen across one gringo tending to an ass, that of a local prostitute and as for dancing ladies, I guess you could say she was doing La Fukkaracha.

Rembrandt Rogers had instructed me on arrival to visit the local tapas bar where I was to seek out some guy called Elguido Murat who runs things from the Mexican end. It was from him I would get my ten thousand dollar fee and as a special favour to gorgeous Rembrandt I'm to collect a package which UPS had accidentally delivered to his Mexico office and return it to him when I get back to L.A.

When I arrived at the tapas bar I saw a roguish looking fellow who was following me with his good eye (the other one appeared to be glass). Murat recognised me as soon as I walked in. It seems they get Youtube, even in Mexico.

After ordering a round of Tequilas, Murat handed me an envelope containing my cash and a tightly packaged parcel wrapped in what must have been at least six layers of strong brown parcel tape, No address? No wonder it hadn't successfully reached Rembrandt in LA.

Reassuringly, because I was nervous, Murat said he'd be around tomorrow should I need someone to help with foreign translation. There seemed something very odd about this man, something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Maybe it was his glass eye? Needless to say after a few more tequila salt licks I put all my misapprehensions aside.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:16 pm

Wednesday 27th February
You can't buy 'Gaviscon' in Mexico!

Tequila is an evil drink. I woke this morning naked but for knickers (one leg on, one leg off) having only the slightest recollection of the previous night. I was worried I might have been less than a lady. Aunt Phil reassured me I was every bit the lady, especially when she told me I'd entertained the drinkers at the tapas bar as I joined her in a Mexican hat dance to the music of 'Hey Fatty Bum Bum-Sweet Sugar Dumpling' sung in three part harmony. Oh my!

Philly's not herself since shovelling twelve spiced donkey fajitas down her neck. The poor heifer was doubled up, screaming with stomach cramp. If nothing else but to escape the flatulence which accompanied her mexi-caned tummy I went out in search of some 'Gaviscon'.

The guy at the hotel reception pointed me in the direction of the local general store-come-pharmacy-come-souvenir sombrero outfitters. Laughing, he said Conseptua (the shop owner) would provide me with everything I needed.

Conseptua spoke no more English than I speak Mexican Spanish. While pointing to my stomach she completely misinterpreted my needs returning to the counter with a dusty packet of gringo condoms which looked like they'd been in stock since the cuban missile crisis.

In the end I was forced to perform a mini pantomime to act out the ailment for which I was seeking remedy. Bent double and clutching my stomach I felt fortunate I was not demonstrating need for ointment to relieve my feminine itch. I've been plagued by girlie scratch ever since arriving in Mexico.

Having finally understood I was looking for something to relieve stomach cramp Conseptua proceeded towards the shop window where she cut three large chunks from what looked like the leaves of a withered Aloe Vera plant.

Placing the large chunks of dry cactus individually into her sore infested mouth she proceeded to chew and munch on each piece before eventually gobbing a large mulched bolus into a pestle and mortar bowl from which she ground the gooey mixture into a sticky paste. After further demonstrating the 'medicine' should be mixed with water and administered orally she held out her grubby paws for payment.

Carrying Aunt Phil's medicine in a small plastic tub I Ieft the store feeling relieved my feminine itch was not so unbearable it required treatment in Mexico.

Once I'd returned to the hotel I mixed the concoction as prescribed and passed it to Aunty Phil without a word of how it had come into my possession. Amazingly within twenty minutes Philly was right as rain and ready to head for town to buy her souvenirs.

With me not due to start filming 'Holiday Hospital' until tomorrow I headed back to the Tapas bar to find it filled with exactly the same people as the night before. I'm not even sure they'd gone home; many were at the same tables. They obviously remembered me, greeting me as they did with a rendition of 'Hey Fatty Bum Bum'.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:41 pm

Thursday 28th February
Murat looses his marble

Rembrandt called me on my mobile, he was ever so apologetic as he told me due to an administrative error I would no longer be required to play Dr Cavader in 'Holiday Hospital'. He did say I could keep my $10,000 fee and to make amends he would take me out to dinner on my return to L.A. I must admit the thought of going Dutch does excite the hell out of me so when he asked if I'd seen his big package I nearly swallowed my own tongue.

Once I realised which package he meant I confirmed Murat had indeed left the parcel with me and would leave it with his secretary once I'd got back. Rembrandt hesitated, suggesting it might be best to bring it straight to his apartment instead. I'm wondering if this is just all a bit of a rouse to get me over to his place. I'll play along and see what happens.

With the acting job cancelled and the thought of spending an evening with Rembrandt I didn't see any point staying a second longer in the God forsaken hole of San Jose. I called Gez's hotel in St Lucia to let him know I would be returning to LA. I was surprised when a woman's voice answered the phone and told me Gez was in the shower. Rachel! My blood ran cold. What on earth was she doing in Gez's room?

Cute. Rachel had already anticipated my next question by telling me she'd popped in to see if Gez was ready as they had a busy morning ahead of them. "Viewing banana plantations" she added with a snigger. Who the hell does she think she is, the woman from Del-Fooking-Monte? Just so long as she's not viewing Gez's banana I thought before asking her to let my husband know I'd called.

It's actually a good job Clarry hadn't come to Mexico because by the time I'd finished loading my luggage into the 'Kumquat' I noticed Aunt Phil had already filled the back seat with all manner of Mehican tourist tat. Poncho's, maracas, blankets, rugs and the tackiest punchbowl in the shape of a watermelon.

Having fully loaded the car I saw Murat sidling over, he was wearing an eye patch. I nearly laughed because the last time I'd seen one was on Heather Milly-Macca dressed as Long John Silver at Halloween.

Murat noticed my amusement; thankfully taking it in good spirit as he explained his glass eye had fallen out this morning and before he'd even had chance to stoop and pick it up some street urchin girl had run off with it in her hand, presumably to add to her marble collection.

Looking at Aunt Phil's souvineers on the back seat I was surprised she hadn't bought herself a sombrero; then I turned round to see Philly grinning like all her Christmases had come all in one single go

For a moment I thought a spaceship had landed. No it wasn't ET paying Elliot a return visit, it was Aunty Phil wearing the biggest sombrero I'd ever seen.

After three failed attempts at getting the thing into the car I did suggest we leave it behind but fearing I was about to witness a grown woman cry I reluctantly agreed to help Aunt Phil strap the straw monstrosity to the roof of the car. We must have looked a sight as we drove off. All we needed was a jaunty tune and we'd have kids chasing after us for ice-cream.

The sun had long since set by the time we reached the Mexican border check point as we waited in car line for all number of rogues, scoundrels and your basic nere-do-wells to cross the border without any suggestion of let or hindrance.

So why, I wondered, were we halted when it came to the reaching the border line?

At first I thought it was the comical sight of a car wearing a sombrero, then I heard the dogs barking as they began sniffing round the boot of the car. It was just like in Portugal when Gez had, as you do, forgetfully left a loin of rotting meat in the boot.

Like common criminals we were unceremonious bundled out of the car at gunpoint and made to stand legs akimbo with our hands above our heads. The dogs were going mad as armed officers frantically searched the boot.

Having found what they were looking for we were then bundled, still at gunpoint, into the back of a van and driven back into Mexico.

"What exactly was in that package" asked Aunty Phil and I could only answer her honestly.

I had no idea?
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby julygirl3210 » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:50 pm

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

Splendido.

Well done Dooby, Still as funny as ever, laughing so much at this latest installment. Hey Hombre, that was fooking funny. Rachaels voice in Gez's room. Well, they were all so into each other!!! :wink: :wink:

Can't wait for the next one Dooby

Brilliant.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby peza » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:05 pm

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Superb work Dooby !
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:19 pm

Friday 29th February
Tequila Slammer

San Quentin wasn't exactly the sort of tequila slammer I had in mind when visiting Mexico.

Up cra.p creek, that's where we are and that's exactly where the latex glove hand of a rather brutal female prison guard went not forty minutes ago. Talk about hand fisted prison brutality. I'm not going into too much graphic detail as much as to say I now know what how a ventriloquist dummy feels.

Apparently it's standard procedure for new inmates but I swear the guard was getting more job satisfaction than might be considered appropriate. I'm in agony although Aunty Phil said she barely felt a tickle. Why am I not surprised?

We are still waiting for help to arrive from the British consulate. I've tried my best to explain our innocence but to no avail. We had no way of knowing the parcel we had carried cross border contained 2 kilos of Columbia's finest uncut cocaine. We must have been fitted up by Rembrandt Rogers and that ratfink Murat, but according to an FBI report there is no evidence of Rembrandt ever having existed. Well Rembrandt Rogers does exist and I know because he's certainly rogered me.

Thinking back, this must be what Astro-Astrid saw before Christmas when she turned the jailor card from my Tarot deck. I put her foretelling down to my being banged up for six hours following the pantomime incident in Leicester constabularies custody suite which now seems like the Hilton compared to San Quentin's womens wing.

You'd think in this heat the Mexican authorities would at least have the decency to install a bit of air conditioning. I'm sweating like a pig in sauna under the un-breathable fabric of my orange polyester prison uniform.

I've been told that the British consulate should be here on Monday morning and we should sit tight until then. After the indignity of my thorough internal body search I doubt I'll ever be sitting tight again.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby dumouchelwolf » Sat Mar 01, 2008 12:31 am

Another brilliant piece....Aunty Phil hardly felt a tickle.....Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
HOPE THE PAELLA WAS WORTH IT MR and MRS McCANN.
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Re: The Stateside Diary of a Naive Woman (aged nearly 40) 2008

Postby scandi » Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:26 am

So Dear Doobyscoo, As to Celine, A-hemmmm, do you think he is of tha ILK? Hmmmmmmmmm
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