Diary of a Naive Woman#LATEST EPISODE# A Touchy Mother!

Here you will find Doobys Diaries and more. Try your hand at satirical writing and post your masterpiece here

Postby perrito » Sat Dec 08, 2007 9:03 pm

brilliant as always, thanks dooby :D
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Postby nurgis » Sat Dec 08, 2007 10:11 pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you :lol: :read2: :lol:
NO more ice please and justice for Maddie
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Postby lunalovegood » Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:28 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Keep 'em coming!!!!
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Postby doobyscoo » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:03 pm

Monday 11th December
The Foretelling

Advent Calendar Picture – Red Breasted Robin

I'm still feeling disturbed by my strange dreams. Even my vigorous aerobics DVD 'Wake up and Shimmy with the Electric Light Orchestra' did nothing to shake away my eerie sense of foreboding unease.

Nothing else for it, I made an appointment with Astrid Astro. Astrid can usually be found during the summer season working from a Caravanette parked up on the bronzed mile of the Skegness seafront promenade. During the winter months she works from her council bungalow on the outskirts of the Scuttlethorpe estate.

I don't really like driving through Scuttlethorpe if I can possibly help it, but this time of year it can be quite fun, lit up as it is, brighter than the Las Vegas Strip with its endless parade of flashing fairy lights, blow up Santa's and cheap plastic illuminated snow men. I also noticed some signs beckoning Santa to 'please stop here'. All I can say is, Santa must be a braver soul than me.

Astrid (second daughter' to 'Gypsy Rosa Lee') is the accredited palm reader and confident to many a star turn. As true testament to this notoriety she has faded 'black & white' photographs of her clientele adorning the walls of the burlesque bordello she calls her home. Vera Duckworth, Lorraine Chase, Daniel O'Donnell to name but a few. A highlight for me was a colour sun-bleached Polaroid of 'housewife's choice' Des Lineham having his deep creviced life line well and truly fingered by the all seeing mystic.

Astrid sipped her elm bark tea as I relayed in great detail the nature of my tossing night terrors. Once I'd finished she said I'd have to fork out a whopping forty quid for a full reading.

I was somewhat short of the required 'silver' from which to cross her outstretched palm but not to worry, the sordid topic of coin was not quite so sordid to Astrid as she placed a portable 'chip n pin' reader next to her crystal ball with an open invitation to cross her palm with something far more valuable than silver. My shiny plastic gold card.

I must admit, I did harbour a few sceptic doubts to Asrid's methods when she passed over her mystic deck for me to shuffle. It was my contention she had probably done her best card trick the moment her machine read and debited my 'AMEX Gold'.

I'm quite modern she explained as she retrieved the shuffled pack. I'll say, she had 'top trumps' cards intermingled within her tarot deck. "Shhhh" she said, placing her fingers to my lips, serving to stifle any question or protest. Placing the cards, the strange half gypsy arranged them face down in the configuration of a pentangle. Slowly she turned what she called the 'central spectral quarto'; four cards which foretold the 'here and now'.

With a deep intake of breath she said I had suffered a great and painful loss. Yeah, I thought; forty quid in Astrid's pocket, not to mention my petrol money home but I kept quiet. Astrid looked me straight in the eye as if my thoughts had been spoken aloud, she whispered "I think you'll find your expense and journey well spent!"

"F**k me!" I thought, again in my head rather than out loud, to which she replied "I won't be doing that either, I'm a clairvoyant not a male gigolo". She laughed and told me to relax and reassured of her abilities I did just that.

From within the four 'here and now' cards were; The Charlatan, The Queen of Pearls, The Jester and the Slothful Dog. The cards represented people with influence in the 'house of now'. Pointing at the Charlatan, Astrid asked if my husband were a medic. I nodded.

"He tell many lies Many!" Astrid continued "He be much influenced by this wilful vixen too", she pointed to the 'Queen of Pearls'.

The Queen of Pearls, Astrid explained was also the keeper of pennies, someone whom possibly provides financial advice to my husband. She went on to explain that Gez's unchallenged lust for greed and this woman could ultimately be his downfall. My thoughts raced to Esther and the many 'pearl necklaces' Gez has given her for managing his pension fund. I bit my lip and said nothing.

Pointing to the Jester, Astrid spoke of a fool, a clown in my employment. She must have meant Clarry. She said to pay no heed of his poor judgment; to do so would do me no favour whatsoever. Thinking back he did shrink my favourite backless sweater in last weeks wash.

She didn't even need to explain who the slothful dog was. Aunty Philomena is still eating me out of house and home.

The next card she turned was the teacher and the lover. She winked at me before muttering the words 'dirty b****' under her breath. Turning more cards in the pentangle she saw 'The Inquisitors', men who were travelling overseas with many unanswered questions. The next Tarot were even more alarming, 'The Incarcerated Lady' and 'The holder of keys', a jailer!

The final card, 'The Nine beggars at the feast of Tapas' Astrid tapped several times to underline the importance of her point. "These nine people hold the key to your fate".

What a load of old Cobblers! I can't believe she even had the cheek to ask for a further six quid to 'rune out' my lucky lotto numbers. I told her to stuff it, forty quid down the pan was more than enough for one day, and that came out my blessed boob job fund!

Anyway, must get on practising my Zorro lines, it's the pantomime dress rehearsal tomorrow and then the world premier on Friday. I hope it goes well. Astrid did say she saw a crowd of people laughingmmmm????
Last edited by doobyscoo on Thu Dec 13, 2007 7:42 am, edited 6 times in total.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Postby CaptnMorgan » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:20 pm

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gez, is that a pearl necklace in your pocket or are you just glad to see me????? hahaha!!

Dooby, that was great!!! Glad to see ya!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :laughing3:
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Postby julygirl3210 » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:11 pm

:hello1: :hello1: :headbang: :headbang: Excellent Dooby.

Even better than the last one.
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
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Postby perrito » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:57 pm

brilliant as ever dooby, can't wait for the next episode.
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Postby doobyscoo » Fri Dec 14, 2007 8:42 am

Friday 14th December
Break a Leg

Advent Calendar Picture – Santa's Bulging Sack

Two hours to curtain up for the world premier of 'Ali-berba'. As leading lady I've got my own dressing room, unlike Heather Milly-Macca who I've just past in the wings lugging costumes. Heather failed to see the funny side when I mischievously shouted 'break a leg' in her direction.

Regina's re-writes worked well in last nights dress rehearsal, but even so, I'm still more nervous than a Norfolk turkey awaiting the coming of Christmas. I've just popped two valium in the hope that it will calm my trembling anxiety. There were a few problems in rehearsal but I'm confident Regina has them all ironed out. The broken stage, a result of Auntie Philomena's fantastic 'hot hoofing' tap routine, has since been repaired and reinforced with galvanised iron girders so hopefully we wont be seeing a repeat of Aunt Phil's unexpected disappearing act.

Clarry is so excited, he's been prancing about all day in his Widow Twanker outfit which he'll be wearing when he sings his own solo version of the 'Dead or Alive' hit, 'You spin me round (like a record)'.

As Zorro I'm opening the show wearing satin 'Capri' pants which are even tighter (I'm proud to say) than the ones worn by Olivia Newton-John in 'Grease'. Gez even wolf-whistled me as I put them on, something he's not done in years so I'm hoping to wear them home to tonight so he can play Danny Zucho to my Sandy, you know.."Tell me about it stud!" I think the vally-wally is kicking in now.

Regina has just been in to stash the Champagne ready for the first night party. b****y Nora! Twenty four bottles of 'Moet'! My-My someone has been splashing out; they can't have been bought from Ms Clench's clasped purse. She's tighter than a Nuns chunt!

Another valium! The trouble is it really dries out the old larynx and I've not done my vocal warm ups yet. I don't suppose anyone would notice if I popped a cork on the one bottle, just to wet my whistle. If I do it now while no one's around, Ms Clench would never know it was me taking a sneaky lick from the bottle. I mean, what harm could it do?

On stage in just over an hour. Break a leg!
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Postby gaia » Fri Dec 14, 2007 8:17 pm

That was pretty terrific.....but...how could you leave me so unsatisfied? Gimme more, please!!

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Postby doobyscoo » Sat Dec 15, 2007 11:17 am

gaia wrote:That was pretty terrific.....but...how could you leave me so unsatisfied? Gimme more, please!!

gaia
:lol:

OK, I'll tell you what happened :lol:
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Postby doobyscoo » Sat Dec 15, 2007 11:18 am

Saturday 15th December
Saggy Titted Sagittarius

Oh my goodness! What have I gone and done! I've been barred from the Rothley Players for life.

I can barely remember anything! And No b****y wonder! After checking the vacant holes in my Valium blister pack it's obvious I'd been popping the buggers as if they were the kids 'smarties'.

I do remember Regina storming into the dressing room to find two empty bottles of 'Moet' on the floor and me draining a third. Given my 'given' inebriation she immediately demoted me from leading lady, giving my part to of all people, HEATHER MILLY-MACCA!!!!!!

Regina would have chucked me out all together but there was no one else to play the back end of the pantomime horse. Unceremoniously I was peeled out of my 'Capri' pants and shoved, butt naked, into the ass end of a horse.

Mrs Horncock who was the 'front end' was wearing very little too. Presumably she'd anticipated the heat of nylon fur under hot stage lighting. Unfortunately I hadn't anticipated my face being shoved quite so close to Mrs Horncock's lacy garter thong as Regina coupled us up to make one seamless panto-horse.

What happened thereafter I only know due to Regina's parting gift of a DVD recording which documented every last embarrassing second of my on stage debut. What a performance! I've just chewed through my best sofa cushion watching it.

There I was the back end of a horse staggering about all over the place. If only I'd stayed inside the costume and no one would have known it was little me inside. But I didn't!

My moment of ultimate shame occurred when Aunty Phil was just about to sing 'My Favourite Things'. Mrs Horncock must have broke wind in my face because all of a sudden I was seen to break free, holding my nose and sticking out my tongue, my face filled with such revulsion I barely recognised myself.

There I was, me! Standing half naked in the spot light for all to see, not so much a bare chest centaur as a 'Saggy Titted Sagittarius'

Frozen! Petrified by the stark and unforgiving spot light beam I stood for endless seconds dripping in my own sweat. The male contingent of the audience cheered riotously at the sight of my bra-less top half with my small boobs framed only by the costume's elasticated braces. Braces which I then (god only knows why) proceeded to outstretch in a comic 'rock on' fashion.

What came next, from my filthy mouth I can only think was from deep within my subconscious, the ranting of a woman spurred on by combination of champagne, valium and a jeering mail chorus of approval.

Grabbing the microphone from Aunty Phil I merrily conversed with the audience singing my dirt soaked psalm in perfect melody to the tune of my favourite things.

"Rain drops, oh f**k that, give me something forbidden
Wild times in bushes, only partially hidden
Legs fixed to bed posts, hands tied with strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Bored lonely housewife, I typed into google
Two hours later, on fours like a poodle
He was quite daring and wore two cock rings
He made me beg for my favourite things

He in tight leather, his whips gave me lashes
Bottom spanked so hard, I came out in rashes.
When he pulled out, I nearly went ping,
That was down to the size of his thing.

I want love bites - on my bee stings,
Make me feel real bad,
Give me a man with some size to his thing
Then I will feeeeeeeeel soooooooooo glaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Oh for the shame, I even cupped my breast while singing the end chorus. The Vontrap child singers who were supposed to join Aunty Phil in a sort of 'ring-a-rosy' dance stood on, their mouths open in shocked horror. The older children stared in shocked delight!

I would have gone for a second verse if it weren't for Regina Clench screaming from the wings "GET EM OFF, GET EM OFF!!!!!!". Heather Milly Macca clearly misinterpreting Regina's instruction ripped open her costume blouse to even louder roars of male approval.

Not to be upstaged by Heather (or anyone for that matter) I jumped up on Ms Macca's back sending her flying to the floor. At Regina's instruction the stage curtain was lowered entangling us both in a knot of red velvet swish. Then an almighty scream and the sound of tearing fabric as Heathers 'peg leg ' was pulled from what should have been my satin Capri pants. I proceeded to swing the prosthetic apendage round and round my head before finally tossing it into the orchestra pit. Eventually we were carried off separately by two hairy pantomime dames to the riotous approval of an audience on its feet.

Oh for the love of Mary forgive me!

It's splashed all over this mornings tabloids. "Rothley Rampant Ravers in Kinky Panty-mime". Gez is so angry he's divorcing me!

What am I going to do?
Last edited by doobyscoo on Sat Dec 15, 2007 8:18 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Postby shesaidwhat » Sat Dec 15, 2007 12:34 pm

ROFLMAO - Thank you Dooby, if only all panty-mimes were this entertaining. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby sabot » Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:00 pm

I don't know what happened but I'm glad you are back.
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Postby CaptnMorgan » Sun Dec 16, 2007 5:08 pm

OMG!!!! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!!! That was EXCELLENT!!!! :booty: :booty: :booty: :laughing8: :laughing8: :laughing9: :laughing9: :wav: :wav: :wav:
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Postby julygirl3210 » Mon Dec 17, 2007 7:28 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh Dooby, thanks for making us all laugh. I am laughing so much it hurts.

:smilebox:
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
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