Diary of a Naive Woman#LATEST EPISODE# A Touchy Mother!

Here you will find Doobys Diaries and more. Try your hand at satirical writing and post your masterpiece here

Postby Tilly » Wed Dec 05, 2007 3:38 pm

:wav: Brilliant :lol: :lol:
New in Town again
Tilly
New In Town
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:55 pm
Location: Salford Manchester UK

Postby bjr » Wed Dec 05, 2007 3:39 pm

Excellent Dooby, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
To my critics
When I'm in a sober mood, I worry, work and think,
When I'm in a drunken mood, I gamble, play and drink,
But when my moods are over and my time has come to pass,
I hope I'm buried upside down, so the world may kiss my ar*e
User avatar
bjr
Moderator
 
Posts: 4181
Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2007 2:10 pm
Location: 3rd Cesspit from left of Rothley Towers

Postby MsMarbles » Wed Dec 05, 2007 4:39 pm

Because I write this sort of humour on one of my sites and parodies, I just love your humour in your writings Dooby. Carry on the good work, no preassure of course :oops:
I believe.....
I believe and trust in Eddie and keela.
__
"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." - John Adams
User avatar
MsMarbles
On Parole
 
Posts: 1220
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 9:39 pm
Location: ESSEX - www.waxinglyrical-site.co.uk

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:00 pm

Thursday 6th December
'The Diary of Anne Frank'

Gez and I have been hiding in the attic since Monday which hasn't been nice at all.

While on holiday, we made the mistake of giving our address to some locals. You know what its like, you promise to keep in touch and say should you ever be in England to be sure to visit. We were only being polite, we didn't think for one minute they'd ever take us up on the offer.

Gez went mad when he heard they were on their way. Clarry suggested we hide out in the attic for a few days and he would tell everyone we were out of town.

Aunt Philly tried to get in the attic too, only the hatch wasn't quite wide enough to squeeze her portly girth. Instead she's taken the kids to my mums for a while, my mother is no happier about this than I.

It's been awful. Gez has been like a caged lion, pacing up and down with nothing to do. I realised this has been the longest time in years we have spent solely in each others company. b****y hell, I've been bored to tears, all he ever talks about is money, masons and his wider agenda. Whatever that is?

While cooped up in the attic I dug out our wedding album. I couldn't believe I was so fat; I must have been a good four pounds heavier than now. It poured with rain on our wedding day, Gez looked a right misery guts in every picture. Foolishly, I thought our self imposed confinement might somehow help our marital relations. No such luck, Gez was more interested in pictures of my friend Rachel in her wet clingy bridesmaid's frock.

I did manage to keep myself occupied by reading 'The Diary of Anne Frank'. Oh how awful; camped up in an attic, hated in their own country, evading capture with the ongoing fear of imprisonment, or worse! Not quite as good as a 'Jackie Collins', but nethertheless an interesting read.

Clarry's given us the all clear so thankfully we've been able to come back down. I never did finish the book and having left it in the attic I doubt I ever will. I wonder what became of Anne Frank, I'm sure, should I have read to the end, there'd have been a happy ever after.

Too-da-loo.
Last edited by doobyscoo on Thu Dec 06, 2007 11:23 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=2702
User avatar
doobyscoo
Suspect
 
Posts: 190
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 7:36 pm

Postby bjr » Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:15 pm

Another good one dooby, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: even I felt sorry for Kate being in the attic with Gez :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
To my critics
When I'm in a sober mood, I worry, work and think,
When I'm in a drunken mood, I gamble, play and drink,
But when my moods are over and my time has come to pass,
I hope I'm buried upside down, so the world may kiss my ar*e
User avatar
bjr
Moderator
 
Posts: 4181
Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2007 2:10 pm
Location: 3rd Cesspit from left of Rothley Towers

Postby julygirl3210 » Thu Dec 06, 2007 9:45 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Mint Dooby,

All this talk about Gerry being like a caged animal, I had visions of a heraldic Lion Rampart for a moment. Or even worse visions. Don't go there.

:wink: :wink:
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
User avatar
julygirl3210
On Parole
 
Posts: 1168
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 11:42 pm
Location: UK - A haven for Dodgy Doctors

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Dec 07, 2007 7:36 am

Friday 7th December
'What the Dickens'

What a night of terror! I'm still drenched in sweat! I'm writing my diary right this minute before the distractions of the day erase the terrible dreams from my tormented mind.

It all started late last night, just after Clarry had put the kids to bed.

-0-

Marley was dead: to begin with. There was no doubt about that.

"No doubt about that" I said as I prodded the upturned hamster, lifeless on the floor of its cage. Poor Marley! "Dead as a door nail" confirmed Clarry as he flushed the filthy rodent down the toilet. I did feel partly responsible for Marley's demise as I examined parch dry water marks inside his empty drinking bottle. Ah well, never mind. Here today, forgotten tomorrow, that's my motto.

I was tempted to also flush Clarry's head down the toilet after the inconsiderate 'dog tooth' requested Christmas day off work! I ask you, what is the f*****g point having staff if they clear off when you most need them? I only offered Clarry leave for Christmas morning on the strict condition he'll be back by noon to cook the turkey. It's mine and Gez's Christmas too.

What with one dead hamster, one grumpy man servant and my husband absent, God only knows where he is? I went up to bed. As I fluffed my duck down pillows I had no idea what restless night lay ahead of me.

The 'Argos' reproduction grandfather clock which so effectively sent me sleeping with its slow melodic lullaby tick was equally responsible for my startled awakening as it struck the hour of one.

Through bleary eyes and night shadow I could see the outline of someone, or something sitting on my bed. I scrambled for the reading lamp which duly illuminated Auntie Philly wearing, of all things, a girl guides outfit! I've always suspected she might be some kind of repressed kinky lesbian so I quickly felt under the bed clothes to check if I was still wearing my night dress and comfort pants; thankfully yes I was!

Taking my trembling hand, Auntie Phil said she wanted to show me something from my Christmas past. Hopefully, I thought; not the time I photocopied my tits at the regional health trust Christmas party.

Within a blink of an eye we were transported to places vaguely remembered in times almost forgot. There I was a spotty 'girl guide' of eight years old, a scrawny six'er from Pixie pack, live on children's television receiving her 'Blue Peter' badge having collected 10,000 silver bottle tops in aid of the 'Joey Deacon' appeal.

I recalled that day well, singing my little heart out in the mini bus then running home to tell Mummy and Daddy how 'Blue Peter' presenter 'Leslie Judd' smelled of malt whisky. They'd both ignored me as they got merry with their party friends. I'd never felt so happy and so sad all in the same day.

The clock struck 2am: again I bolted up in bed, the night lamp still alight as a heavenly apparition hovered over me. It was Jane from Exeter, dressed as an angel she sang 'Silent Night'. Jane looked radiant and beautiful so I knew it had to be a dream. She whispered to me something about my 'Christmas present' and I sincerely hoped it wasn't going to be another of her twisted 'gimp' paintings.

With a clickity-click of her satin white stiletto heels we were transported to a familiar beauty salon where I was treated to the full works: Christmas highlights, hair extensions, eyebrow threading, buff puff, makeover and some false talon nails in red. They even did my bikini line in the shape of a Norwegian Spruce. I looked 'elfin' fantastic.

Looking every bit like Santa's hottest 'Chrimbo Bimbo' I exited the shop walking the high street as if it were a Parisian cat walk. Passing the band stand I sauntered along to the haunting brass tones which echoed Jane's earlier rendition of 'Silent Night'.

Surrounding the 'Sali-Army' band were a group of girl guides collecting money for the Christmas hungry and the Christmas poor. A girl who could have been me thirty years earlier shook a collection tin under my nose. Without sparing a glance I turned heel in the snow, dashing as I went towards 'Horncock's' newsagents where I bought a quarter pound of sticky humbugs.

3am, again woken by the blasted chiming clock, I know where that'll be going come Christmas morn; in the bin if I get my way!

Was I awake or was I dreaming?

I slipped wearily downstairs with the excuse that my dry mouth needed water, a feeling that gave me pause to think once again of poor dead Marley. No doubt the blasted hamster would soon start haunting me in my dreams too. Truthfully, my real reason for going downstairs was to seek reassurance to my state of waken sobriety. The sight of Clarry prancing round the kitchen dressed as a Christmas fairy provided all the proof I needed. I was definitely and unmistakably sober and awake!

Further nuggets of reassurance were found in the medicine cabinet as I broke the blister strip from a fresh box of delicious 'snoozy-woozy' diazepam.

What woke me for the third time was the thing which terrified me most of all. The deafening chalky squeal of heavy iron chains grating the wooden floor, dragged along by Gez as he limped towards me from the murky shadows. Cupping my face in his icy shackled hands he beckoned me towards my Christmas future; the horrific confides of a cold, dark, dank prison cell.

I woke up screaming!

Clarry ran in, still, I might add, wearing the pink and peach fairy outfit. "Slap my face!" I screamed, needing to know if I was still dreaming.

"With pleasure ma-am" said Clarry as he stung me with his best.

-0-

I wonder what it all can mean, must speak to 'Astro Astrid' my trusted palmist. Now I've got it down on paper I can indeed busy myself with the distractions of the day. I've got an eleven o'clock at 'Tiffany Fontaines' for hair, nails, makeover and bikini trim and then I've got to go to 'Horncocks' to pay the papers. Perhaps I'll buy myself some minty boiled sweets as I go.

God bless us, everyone!
Last edited by doobyscoo on Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=2702
User avatar
doobyscoo
Suspect
 
Posts: 190
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 7:36 pm

Postby Maya » Fri Dec 07, 2007 8:01 am

Through bleary eyes and night shadow I could see the outline of someone, or something sitting on my bed. I scrambled for the reading lamp which duly illuminated Auntie Philly wearing, of all things, a girl guides outfit! I've always suspected she might be some kind of repressed kinky lesbian so I quickly felt under the bed clothes to check if I was still wearing my night dress and comfort pants; thankfully yes I was!


:laughing5: :laughing5: :laughing5:
User avatar
Maya
You're Nicked
 
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 6:12 pm

Postby CaboFrio » Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:10 am

Dooby

Never mind 'What The Dickens'

WTF :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
CaboFrio
On Parole
 
Posts: 1257
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 10:58 am

Postby doobyscoo » Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:30 pm

:wink:
CaboFrio wrote:Dooby

Never mind 'What The Dickens'

WTF :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


admittedly, one of the stranger episodes. But hey, not the strangest thing I've read in a forum by a long chalk



:wink:
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=2702
User avatar
doobyscoo
Suspect
 
Posts: 190
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 7:36 pm

Postby CaptnMorgan » Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:20 pm

LOL!!!! Dooby, that was great. I hope I don't have nightmares about Auntie Phil in her girl scout suit. god, I'm having a daymare now about it!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Image
Justice for Madeleine
User avatar
CaptnMorgan
Moderator
 
Posts: 908
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:04 pm
Location: Davy Jones' Locker

Postby Spinnochio » Fri Dec 07, 2007 5:22 pm

Jane looked radiant and beautiful so I knew it had to be a dream. She whispered to me something about my 'Christmas present' and I sincerely hoped it wasn't going to be another of her twisted 'gimp' paintings.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Dooby the reference to Joey Deacon was spot on for a woman aged 39 and three quarters. The lad that played Joey Deacon lived near my school and I kid you not we saw the BBC vans out of the classroom windows. It sure backfired on Biddy Baxter as the name Joey was misused by an entire generation :(

You've surpassed yourself yet again, Thank you!! :cheers:
'I feel sad and I feel lonely and our life is not AS happy without Madeleine'. Kate McCann
Spinnochio
New In Town
 
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 5:40 pm
Location: Derbyshire

Postby julygirl3210 » Fri Dec 07, 2007 7:02 pm

Qupte - "Clarry ran in, still, I might add, wearing the pink and peach fairy outfit. "Slap my face!" I screamed, needing to know if I was still dreaming.

"With pleasure ma-am" said Clarry as he stung me with his best".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :wav: :wave:

Come on - admit it - we would all love to slap her face, wouldn't we!!!!!!!!!!!
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
User avatar
julygirl3210
On Parole
 
Posts: 1168
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 11:42 pm
Location: UK - A haven for Dodgy Doctors

Postby bonnybraes1 » Fri Dec 07, 2007 7:17 pm

:notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy: :notworthy:
bonnybraes1
Moderator
 
Posts: 3681
Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2007 7:46 pm

Postby traveller » Sat Dec 08, 2007 2:41 am

dooby what can I say you have provide a darn good look into past present and future :cheers: :headbang: :hello1: :headbang: :hello1: :laughing3:
I am still asking, what have you done with your child?
Image
Where is Maddy?
User avatar
traveller
Moderator
 
Posts: 436
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2007 12:44 am
Location: Deep in KIWI Land

Next

Return to Satirical Comedy Forum: Doobys Diaries and more

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests
cron