The Ludicrously Closeted Diary of a Middle Aged Man Maid

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The Ludicrously Closeted Diary of a Middle Aged Man Maid

Postby doobyscoo » Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:44 pm

Sorry, this is late........


Friday 21st December 2007
Easy Jets

The best part of the morning was taken up with driving Aunt Philomena and her Royal Ladyshit to East Midlands airport so they could catch another 'Easy Jet' special. Not to Rome this time, his holiness can wait; To Geneva they went, a place where intervention remains more surgical than divine.

With Gez still at Esther's I'm left very much to my own devises. What with all the Christmas baking, basting shopping and mopping to be done I'm run off my feet. I did call Sukdeep and told him I was very much in need of a bit of relief and if he could come over and give me a hand that would be most welcoming. He said he'd like nothing more than to come in my direction and further tempted by my 'Paprika Pringles' he was over like a shot.

Saturday 22nd December 2007
My Fair Lady-hosen

Last night Sukdeep and I spent a most enjoyable evening together, he made a start on my jumbo sausage rolls while I basted his spicy meatballs before giving them a good hot roasting in my special oven. What with our exertions in the kitchen we were somewhat exhausted so I suggested we retire to the living room to watch Audrey Hepburn in 'My Fair Lady'. Imagine our surprise to find an unmarked mystery disk already in the DVD player. 'My Fair Lady' it wasn't! It was however My Fair Lady employer 'getting in on' with Hans Beaver-Lichen as she practiced her German oral. How we both laughed as I translated her German oratory for Sukdeeps benefit.

"I'm a good girl, I am".

I've safely stashed the dodgy disk, you never know, it might come in handy one day soon.

Sunday 23rd December 2007
Boobed Under Pressure

And her Regal Queensize returns! A day early against the better advice of her cosmetic surgeon, Dr Ample, who suggested she might have waited a further 24 hours after the operation before embarking on air travel. It was advice she should have taken on board, rather than board the Boeing. Her 42 DD's of new silicon having not fully settled reacted badly under cabin altitude pressure expanding to double their enhanced size.

My God, fifty four inch double G's on an 8 › stone woman. To say she can't 'carry em off' is an understatement; The 'easy jet' crew had to bring her off the plane in a gurney chair.

Coming through customs she gleefully taunted the officers who asked if she had anything to declare. I'll say, not so much a boob job as a bodge job. Anyway, wheelchair bound she will remain until she can muster the spinal strength to walk unaided.

Monday 24th December 2007
Christmas Eve
a*** over tit

Being unable to manage the stairs, m'lady spent an uncomfortable night on the leather recliner. On her instruction I contacted 'Stannah' who retro fitted the house with an emergency mechanical stair-lift. Even with the contraption fitted to the stair wall it's been tricky getting her up. Its like mountain climbing mountain, the only way we've managed is to balance her gargantuan breasts on the lift seat while she gingerly follows on foot, hopefully keeping perfect synchronisation with the 45 degree angle of the moving seat. Not easy!

Perfecting the manoeuvre was not without unfortunate mishap. She'd almost made the top when, losing her footing, her left boob slipped off the mechanical seat and boundered to the step below. Her centre of gravity completely un-centred, she was sent not so much a*** over tit as tit over a*** as she tumbled down the stairs screaming as she went. Luckily Aunty Phil was on hand to break her fall. The kids thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Christmas or no Christmas they were sent crying to their bedroom by their very sore and angry mother leaving me to settle the kids down to bed. They were so excited about what Santa might be bringing them. Good job Auntie Phil and I had rushed round to Argos for some toys this year. Who can forget last year when the kids bulging stockings contained two pairs of expensive women's shoes, a Jaeger suit, and a diamante choker. "Oops Santas little mix up, might as well keep them" she had said, especially as they were conveniently in her size.

My own Christmas shopping I've had to do 'in house', a little thing Paul Burrell's Butler academy taught me. I've found lots of lovely Mantelpiece objettes and pricey family heirlooms which I've cunningly gift wrapped for my own kith and kin. Obsessed with her own narcissistic doings, M'lady will never even notice they're gone.

Tuesday 25th December 2007
Christmas Day
Mistletoe & Vodka

Sweet flickin cranberries, I'll be pleased when this Christmas malarkey is over. I was originally promised a few hours off on Christmas Day. That of course went out the window the minute Gez went out the door. I've been run ragged all day, not least by Aunty Phil in her 'Anne Summer's Sexy Miss SeXmas' outfit. She's been relentless in chasing me round for a tonguee snog under the mistletoe.

Her Maj demanded I unwrap all her Christmas presents, lest she break a nail. It looks like Jane from Exeter is still painting as I unwrapped her latest finger paint and potato print masterpiece, 'The Egg Man'

While M'lady was dressing, I was left with the impossible task of putting kids toys together at a faster rate than they could smash them to pieces. The rest of the morning was spent with my arm elbow deep up a turkey's backside as I prepared Christmas dinner. Lordy only knows what had happened to my Gold Sovereign ring, a gift from Sukdeep.

Once dinner was over, she who must be obeyed got all religious, well by religious I mean she'd started on the Christmas spirits. By tea time, she, and Aunty Phil had got through four pints of Vodka laced eggnog.

They're now passed out and snoring their way through 'Eastenders' while the kids play happily upstairs on their Nintendo Wii.

Me, I'm knackered, sober and alone on Christmas day as I nibble on the thin pickings of a turkey cadaver stripped bare courtesy of Aunt Phil.

Christmas, Gerry please come home!

Wednesday 26th December
Boxing Day
Aunty Phil's Yuletide Log

Boxing day is a day when traditionally the servants of the house get their gifts. Nice to see this house holds with such tradition as Auntie Philomena left me a lovely gift of a 'Yuletide Log', I was just in the process of unblocking the guest en-suite lavatory of said 'log' when I saw something shiny nestled within the 'nut cluster'.My Sovereign Ring! My gift from Sukdeep. I don't think I'll ever wear it again. I flushed the toilet and watched as the Elizabeth Duke nine carat disappeared down the u-bend. I'll buy a replacement, he'll never know!

Thursday 27th December
The Wanderer Returns

Gez is back! Her ladyship is over the moon. She thinks she's been forgiven for her shameful pantomime but the real reason is that Esther has chucked him out on his ear.

As it transpires, after checking the pension fund Gez discovered to his dismay that it had plummeted to a five figure sum, he's absolutely furious with Esther who has been foolishly investing heavily is some hither to unknown Barcelona based company. The returns are ludicrously disappointing to say the least.

Gez now considers divorce to be an option he can ill afford to take.

Saturday 29th December
Advantage-Gez

I spent a lovely evening with Sukdeep, dining in his brother Vaj-rims new restaurant; 'The Tight Hole of Calcutta'. It's a fusion restaurant, namely con-fusion as some of the menu translations owe more to imagination than to palate.

I returned home to find my sweaty employers hard at it on the living room carpet. It seems they've been catching up on a bit of 'love action'. Gez being 40-Love up on the Nintendo Wii Sports Tennis game as his wheelchaired wife struggled to return his fast action serve.

It's not for me to say of course, but the man does seem, on occasion, to take himself a little bit too seriously. He'd only gone and got changed into his tennis gear and court shoes. "Advantage Gez", I heard him mock as I smuggled Sukdeep into my living quarters.

Sunday 30th December
No rest for the naïve.

With everyone back home, (well not quite everyone) it looks like the New Years Eve party is back on. Her ladyshits out in the 'Renault' delivering invites for, get this, their Hollywood themed New Years Eve Party.

I've been told I've got to wear an appropriate costume, thank heavens I kept my Marylyn wig from way back. Aunty Phil's already slaving over the 'singer' as she sews her secret costume.
Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Postby CaptnMorgan » Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:36 pm

Most excellent!! And I'm so glad to see you!!! :D :D :D
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Postby julygirl3210 » Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:54 pm

Quote Dooby:

"Once dinner was over, she who must be obeyed got all religious, well by religious I mean she'd started on the Christmas spirits. By tea time, she, and Aunty Phil had got through four pints of Vodka laced eggnog".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh Dooby, if only you knew how glad I am that you are back. We all missed you, oh yes, did we ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know what they say (whoever "they" are). All the best things come to those who wait.

Cheers Dooby, glad you're better.



:hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :hello1: :happy10: :happy10: :happy10: :happy10: :happy10: :happy10: :smilebox: :smilebox: :wav: :wav:
"Out damned spot ................" - Macbeth
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Postby MsMarbles » Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:17 pm

That was brilliant, Dooby :D
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Postby CaboFrio » Fri Jan 11, 2008 8:00 am

Great Work!

Good Luck with the Book and Film deal :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby doobyscoo » Fri Jan 11, 2008 8:13 am

CaboFrio wrote:Great Work!

Good Luck with the Book and Film deal :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



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Diary of a Naive woman Aged 39 and 3/4 is a work of fiction, well maybe one character is real!

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Re: The Ludicrously Closeted Diary of a Middle Aged Man Maid

Postby Tilly » Sun Jan 13, 2008 10:39 pm

Priceless :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Ludicrously Closeted Diary of a Middle Aged Man Maid

Postby Spinnochio » Mon Feb 04, 2008 2:40 pm

I'm catching up on your latest entries and you haven't lost your magic :lol:
'I feel sad and I feel lonely and our life is not AS happy without Madeleine'. Kate McCann
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